I've posted such a sad sad entry before...
I guess I owe myself to write an enlightenment for my own closure.
So, I've prayed.
The special prayer for the deceased, shalat ghaib.
I have learnt this prayer since I was in my junior high school.
Yet, still, I need to consult books to refresh my memory again every time I need to do it.
I guess, I should be grateful for that, because it means I seldom have such need to do the prayer...
I couldn't sleep that day.
I tried to distract myself with anything I can think of, but again and again I would be back to square one, remembering Mbah Kakung and feeling... the disbelief.
But then I finally decided that I had to do it...
I need to be at peace...
So I open my books searching for the guide for shalat ghaib.
And... I cant believe how could I forget such a beautiful prayer.
Such an elaborate and complete prayer.
I can't possibly wishing anything better for my grandpa other than those wishes in the prayer.
So, I prayed.
And when I finished
I knew I made such a nonsense with all the crying and denial.
Mbah kakung is surely in a much better place now.
Just like how I wished through the prayer.
all my memories with him are filled with joy, laughter, happiness, love, and everything that warms my heart and thats how Mbah Kakung will always remain in my heart and in my prayer.
yusi sayang Mbah Kakung, peluk cium buat Mbah Kakung
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Death
It has always been a vague concept to me...
Somehow it always take my beloved ones when I'm far away...
So that 'til now, I still dont know how to handle it...
Being in a distance when it happens
gives u the feeling that it isnt real.
Because they are still so healthy and all smiling in my head, from the latest memories that I had with them.
Receiving the news...I feel so unconnected.
As if it must be just like some stories in the news, which arent related to me.
It can't possibly related to me.
They are fine, just like when the last time we met!
I guess that means im in denial?
I feel so blank...
My mom told me to just pray..
it will do the same good, i don't need to go back home...
I guess indeed thats what I need to do
It's just that...I know
the worst thing of this, is that I can not completely accept that they are gone...
I can not completely let them go...
I know the next time I go back home, I will still expect to meet them.
That the fact that they won't be around when I'm home is just because they are in another city, or doing something...
Cause that's what I felt about Pakde.
Cause I still dreamed about spending good times with him, and woke up with smiles and thoughts that I should do that with him later when I go back to Indonesia.
Just to then burst into tears when I remembered he had passed away...like what my family told me when I was in Germany...
Ya, Allah, aku sayang banget sama pakde...
aku sayang banget sama mbah kakung...
sayang sayang banget...
mbah kakung,...
ya, Allah,...
Somehow it always take my beloved ones when I'm far away...
So that 'til now, I still dont know how to handle it...
Being in a distance when it happens
gives u the feeling that it isnt real.
Because they are still so healthy and all smiling in my head, from the latest memories that I had with them.
Receiving the news...I feel so unconnected.
As if it must be just like some stories in the news, which arent related to me.
It can't possibly related to me.
They are fine, just like when the last time we met!
I guess that means im in denial?
I feel so blank...
My mom told me to just pray..
it will do the same good, i don't need to go back home...
I guess indeed thats what I need to do
It's just that...I know
the worst thing of this, is that I can not completely accept that they are gone...
I can not completely let them go...
I know the next time I go back home, I will still expect to meet them.
That the fact that they won't be around when I'm home is just because they are in another city, or doing something...
Cause that's what I felt about Pakde.
Cause I still dreamed about spending good times with him, and woke up with smiles and thoughts that I should do that with him later when I go back to Indonesia.
Just to then burst into tears when I remembered he had passed away...like what my family told me when I was in Germany...
Ya, Allah, aku sayang banget sama pakde...
aku sayang banget sama mbah kakung...
sayang sayang banget...
mbah kakung,...
ya, Allah,...
Sunday, February 03, 2008
update update
wow, been a long time since last I updated this blog :D
new things on my life:
1. I've graduated, yayayyyyy!! h
And turns out someone had written abt it lol, tsk tsk tsk, now I know why Habsq found out abt me wearing "kebaya" while presenting my thesis ;P
Thankiiess though chietz for writing abt it!
and all my gratitude and thanks for everyone who was always there for me through that months of painful thesis writing. I love you all so much! And you know who u r ;)
2. I've started my PhD program
That involves :
- taking PhD classes which r held just in a short span of time like 2 weeks but with intensive meetings everyday for 3 hours *fainted*.
not to mention that since only few ppl attend these classes, a late arrival or an absent or an accidental sleep during the course is very noticeable ^^;;>
and the worst for this 2 weeks is that this class starts at 8.30 am. Mind you, with subuh at 6 am, Trento is still very very dark and colddddddddddd at that hour T_T
- Getting an allocated desk&workstation at campus
woohooo :D
excuse my newbieness ^^;;>
but since I have never really did a proper serious work in a formal institution, obtaining a workspace really felt something :D
as if....ummm.... I dunno... like, wow, I'm working now! *duh!*xD
- New form of relationship with my professors
Since now the position is that I am a doctorate student who is working with them, my prof. insisted for me to call them by first names. Without any "Professor" adressing.
This is sooooooooooooooo hard for me >_< so far I havnt succeeded in doing so >.>
- more self motivation needed >_<
Umm, yea, so I have to do some courses as well as keep on doing the research for my PhD.
The thing is, now it isnt just that the class is smaller; I dont know anyone, everyone will just attend the class and speaks nothing, then go back to their own places.
I'm still used with my master degree experience, where I will have a group of students with the same set of courses, who will be with me through all those classes. So, now, I have soooo less motivation to go to my classes >_<
And the research, now basically aside the courses, I just need to go to campus when I have an appointment with my prof to report my research progress. Other than that...I can even spend the whole day lazying around at home ;P and...its so ohhh tempting >_<
3. I play XDO now ;P
The great news is habs and linds r playing there too!! yayayayyy!
And....gasp....finally after all this year beggings *exaggerating mode*
my bf plays it too! :') aww, I so love him <333
Uhmmm....I think that's all so far :D
More updates in the next post if I remember one ;P
*disclaimer: this post was written without any double recheck for spellings and grammar, so pardon moi ;P*
new things on my life:
1. I've graduated, yayayyyyy!! h
And turns out someone had written abt it lol, tsk tsk tsk, now I know why Habsq found out abt me wearing "kebaya" while presenting my thesis ;P
Thankiiess though chietz for writing abt it!
and all my gratitude and thanks for everyone who was always there for me through that months of painful thesis writing. I love you all so much! And you know who u r ;)
2. I've started my PhD program
That involves :
- taking PhD classes which r held just in a short span of time like 2 weeks but with intensive meetings everyday for 3 hours *fainted*.
not to mention that since only few ppl attend these classes, a late arrival or an absent or an accidental sleep during the course is very noticeable ^^;;>
and the worst for this 2 weeks is that this class starts at 8.30 am. Mind you, with subuh at 6 am, Trento is still very very dark and colddddddddddd at that hour T_T
- Getting an allocated desk&workstation at campus
woohooo :D
excuse my newbieness ^^;;>
but since I have never really did a proper serious work in a formal institution, obtaining a workspace really felt something :D
as if....ummm.... I dunno... like, wow, I'm working now! *duh!*xD
- New form of relationship with my professors
Since now the position is that I am a doctorate student who is working with them, my prof. insisted for me to call them by first names. Without any "Professor" adressing.
This is sooooooooooooooo hard for me >_< so far I havnt succeeded in doing so >.>
- more self motivation needed >_<
Umm, yea, so I have to do some courses as well as keep on doing the research for my PhD.
The thing is, now it isnt just that the class is smaller; I dont know anyone, everyone will just attend the class and speaks nothing, then go back to their own places.
I'm still used with my master degree experience, where I will have a group of students with the same set of courses, who will be with me through all those classes. So, now, I have soooo less motivation to go to my classes >_<
And the research, now basically aside the courses, I just need to go to campus when I have an appointment with my prof to report my research progress. Other than that...I can even spend the whole day lazying around at home ;P and...its so ohhh tempting >_<
3. I play XDO now ;P
The great news is habs and linds r playing there too!! yayayayyy!
And....gasp....finally after all this year beggings *exaggerating mode*
my bf plays it too! :') aww, I so love him <333
Uhmmm....I think that's all so far :D
More updates in the next post if I remember one ;P
*disclaimer: this post was written without any double recheck for spellings and grammar, so pardon moi ;P*
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