Death

It has always been a vague concept to me...
Somehow it always take my beloved ones when I'm far away...
So that 'til now, I still dont know how to handle it...

Being in a distance when it happens
gives u the feeling that it isnt real.
Because they are still so healthy and all smiling in my head, from the latest memories that I had with them.

Receiving the news...I feel so unconnected.
As if it must be just like some stories in the news, which arent related to me.
It can't possibly related to me.
They are fine, just like when the last time we met!

I guess that means im in denial?

I feel so blank...

My mom told me to just pray..
it will do the same good, i don't need to go back home...

I guess indeed thats what I need to do

It's just that...I know
the worst thing of this, is that I can not completely accept that they are gone...
I can not completely let them go...

I know the next time I go back home, I will still expect to meet them.
That the fact that they won't be around when I'm home is just because they are in another city, or doing something...

Cause that's what I felt about Pakde.
Cause I still dreamed about spending good times with him, and woke up with smiles and thoughts that I should do that with him later when I go back to Indonesia.
Just to then burst into tears when I remembered he had passed away...like what my family told me when I was in Germany...

Ya, Allah, aku sayang banget sama pakde...

aku sayang banget sama mbah kakung...
sayang sayang banget...
mbah kakung,...
ya, Allah,...