Faltering heart, faraway dream

For the longest time, the after prayer wish that I always repeated was that:
I want to do my master degree abroad...

It sounds pretty naive now, but back then, it was a pretty huge dream for me.
Ever since my junior high school, my parents had made it clear that they'd only allow me to go study abroad after I got my bachelor degree.
Their reasoning is on the level of maturity I'd already have by then.
A reasoning which I couldn't really debate... so I could only wait 'til the time come, and keep my wish in my prayer.

Before I realized it, I was already doing my Doctorate degree here in Italy..

Alhamdulillah.

The wish, though, was already too incorporated in my set of wishes. I just automatically said it every time.

Lately, as I'm already abroad, and already doing my doctorate, it got awkwardly changed to: I want to finish my doctorate degree well.

And now.. I realize I need to change my wish soon.

To what?


Then I realized, that my wishes have always been very abstract.
It's about the general wish to be useful, to be a better human being, for the life now and in the afterlife, etc.
But.. nothing very specific.

And now.. I'm almost reaching the next junction to my future...
I'm super eager to move forward.
But I don't have any clear idea of my destination.

I could certainly make up a simple goal like my previous wish: I want to work in a super cool company A, maybe.

But, looking at my age... isn't this time where I'm supposed to already know where am I going exactly?

I recently fell in love with G-Dragon's works. I found that most of the songs I liked are composed by him, and found many more of the songs he wrote that I like. The lyrics too are usually very especially deep and profound.

He is going to be 24 this year, and he already made his own solo album, all songs written by himself, a realization of his dream since his childhood. This song is particularly summarizing about his struggle from his very young age (13!) to be a singer.

I look at myself, and I envy how I don't have that kind of clear idea of my goal even now when I'm 28.

My father consoled me, he himself had never thought he'd be where he is now.
It was never in his imagination back then to be in his current position now.
And that his prayer has always been general too, like my abstract prayer.
But as time goes by, somehow everything flew him in this direction.

My mother, too, assured me, that the road to the goal is never conveniently straight. There are always deviations, left and right. But just like pendulum, it will sway left and right, just to get back to the center, always.

In the word of my brother, in the end it's all about fate.

It's something that we don't know beforehand, but we'll find it out when we are just there.

I'm on my way there...
what's the exact "there"..., I have no idea yet.

Sure, I can blame it to the not-knowing part, that my struggle is hard.
But even if I would already have known my goal, the road to success is never easy anyway.

So I'll just do my best for now and whenever,
and I'll find my fate when the time comes.