I need Antoinette in my life

My childhood sad memories were always reminisced with a little warm fuzzy feeling involved. It's because as far as I remember on my sad times I was always accompanied by my dearest first and best ever companion: a tabby male cat I aptly named Antoinette.

He was just a stray cat before he was with us. He had always been alone and quiet. On our meal times, he'd join us, sitting around us, and occasionally he'd put his paws on my laps or my parents'/siblings for any food that he'd graciously devour even though it was veggies. No meowing ever involved, he just always talked through his eyes. He had a quirky night routine as he would just sit and stare quietly to an empty space in between our corner sofa joint for a long time. We call it his prayer time.

My sad memories were always involving me locking myself in my room. And Antoinette would sit quietly around me while I cried my heart out. I'd caress him, and after some time, I'd know that everything will be alright.

S**t happens. That's life. And if I just suck it up and go on, everything will be alright. Just like his always calm and soothing stare and quiet purr.

Unfortunately as life goes on, and bad things continue to happen too inevitably now and then, I don't have Antoinette anymore in my life now. I can only hold on to my memories of him: the reminiscent warm, and fuzzy feeling when I always have him with me.

Perhaps its the no-fuss attitude of him. His always calm and composed manner. Every time I see him I know he's something I can hold on to. Something that would never change. That he'd always be with me whatever mistake and failure I've made.

May you rest in peace, dearest Antoinette.

Faltering heart, faraway dream

For the longest time, the after prayer wish that I always repeated was that:
I want to do my master degree abroad...

It sounds pretty naive now, but back then, it was a pretty huge dream for me.
Ever since my junior high school, my parents had made it clear that they'd only allow me to go study abroad after I got my bachelor degree.
Their reasoning is on the level of maturity I'd already have by then.
A reasoning which I couldn't really debate... so I could only wait 'til the time come, and keep my wish in my prayer.

Before I realized it, I was already doing my Doctorate degree here in Italy..

Alhamdulillah.

The wish, though, was already too incorporated in my set of wishes. I just automatically said it every time.

Lately, as I'm already abroad, and already doing my doctorate, it got awkwardly changed to: I want to finish my doctorate degree well.

And now.. I realize I need to change my wish soon.

To what?


Then I realized, that my wishes have always been very abstract.
It's about the general wish to be useful, to be a better human being, for the life now and in the afterlife, etc.
But.. nothing very specific.

And now.. I'm almost reaching the next junction to my future...
I'm super eager to move forward.
But I don't have any clear idea of my destination.

I could certainly make up a simple goal like my previous wish: I want to work in a super cool company A, maybe.

But, looking at my age... isn't this time where I'm supposed to already know where am I going exactly?

I recently fell in love with G-Dragon's works. I found that most of the songs I liked are composed by him, and found many more of the songs he wrote that I like. The lyrics too are usually very especially deep and profound.

He is going to be 24 this year, and he already made his own solo album, all songs written by himself, a realization of his dream since his childhood. This song is particularly summarizing about his struggle from his very young age (13!) to be a singer.

I look at myself, and I envy how I don't have that kind of clear idea of my goal even now when I'm 28.

My father consoled me, he himself had never thought he'd be where he is now.
It was never in his imagination back then to be in his current position now.
And that his prayer has always been general too, like my abstract prayer.
But as time goes by, somehow everything flew him in this direction.

My mother, too, assured me, that the road to the goal is never conveniently straight. There are always deviations, left and right. But just like pendulum, it will sway left and right, just to get back to the center, always.

In the word of my brother, in the end it's all about fate.

It's something that we don't know beforehand, but we'll find it out when we are just there.

I'm on my way there...
what's the exact "there"..., I have no idea yet.

Sure, I can blame it to the not-knowing part, that my struggle is hard.
But even if I would already have known my goal, the road to success is never easy anyway.

So I'll just do my best for now and whenever,
and I'll find my fate when the time comes.