oh... wow...

Alkisah, ketika saya sedang iseng-iseng browsing mencari suatu menu masakan di kantin kampus saya dulu, tertumbuklah saya pada suatu kisah di sebuah thread forum yang mengisahkan percakapan dua orang tokoh utamanya dengan latar belakang kantin kampus saya itu dengan menu masakan yang saya cari.

Kisah cerita itu sederhana, tentang dua orang sahabat, kawan lama (kekasih?) yang sedang makan siang bersama, membicarakan kebiasaan-kebiasaan mereka dan bagaimana mereka sedang dalam proses beranjak lebih dewasa bersama. Suatu mata kuliah jurusan almamater saya yang diambil salah satu tokoh ceritanya dibahas. Suasana kuliah yang penuh tekanan dan situasi kantin tersebut yang melatarbelakangi percakapan mereka membuat saya mampu membayangkan kantin kampus yang penuh nostalgia masa kuliah untuk saya juga itu.

Tetapi posting ini bukan tentang nostalgia masa kuliah saya.

Karena kemudian saya memperhatikan tajuk forum tersebut.

Kisah itu berada di webpage yang bertajuk forum gay indonesia :D

oh...
...wow...

Saya... tidak ingin membahas tentang homoseksualitas...

Hanya tiba-tiba teringat kawan lama saya dulu ketika saya memulai program master saya. Ia berasal dari Trinidad dan Tobago. Dan ia ketika itu, tahun 2005, membahas bagaimana di Amerika, survey menunjukkan satu di antara beberapa orang di sekitar kita kemungkinan adalah gay.

Saya ketika itu hanya tertawa menanggapinya. Dengan naif menepiskan kemungkinan yang diajukannya itu karena menurut saya itu adalah fakta tentang Amerika, negara yang antah berantah jauhnya dari segi kultural dibandingkan negaraku tercinta.

Akan tetapi kini penemuan tulisan tidak disangka-sangka tadi, mau tak mau telah membuat saya memikirkan kembali pendapat saya...
tiba-tiba hal yang saya kira adalah fenomena antah berantah menjadi terasa nyata, terjadi dekat dengan saya.

Mungkin saya harus bangun dari tidur saya dan membuka mata saya lebih lebar.
Dunia sudah berubah.

Facebook scares me

No, really, it does.

I've never been close to any of the social networking technologies.

Yesterday a friend talked about another friend which was never around. Everyone was curious about this mysterious person who just seem to pop here and there for some people, but never for the others.

So then, as tech savvy as my friends are, they all went to the book of faces. A friend showed us all this mysterious person's FB page, and we all gathered around to see it.

From the innocent beginning of comments like, "ohhh, so that's how he look like", then it was escalated into, "hey, he went to here and there! thought he always said he's busy", and, "oh, look, he's engaged", when then his pictures were browsed through.

I was there.. and I would be lying if I said I didn't giggle or join the chat of commenting this guy. But it then dawned on me that we are actually doing the very thing of stalking this guy through his FB. And it horrified me to think that someone would do that to me if I have an FB page.

Well, I don't have it. I guess that saves me from that possibility, maybe?

While I understand the many advantages of FB, the possibilities it give us to keep in touch with everyone, all the long gone friends, separated by distances or activities. I still somehow can't get used to this trend.

Facebook scares me in that... it gives us the illusion of we are knowing someone closely,- through his/her statuses, profile, pictures, comments-, while we might actually know very little of he/she compared if we directly get in touch with her/him.

Call me outdated, but I still believe in personal communication as the only way to properly get in touch with someone. Call, mail, chat one to one.

Sure, shouting in FB or any social network site it is an easy way to update everyone all at once about your things. But it's also very open, thus impersonal.

Thus... despite the image of the distance-less that we created in sharing the updates, we are also actually creating those implicit distance... that impersonality.
With the public nature of it, surely disclosing something very personal is impossible. And for others to response to us personally too, it would take an effort of either being shamelessly just disclosing everything in public space or use some extra effort in messaging privately or chat... or just be quiet.

In the end.. it would be the safe choices that are taken..
we'd seem to be open, to share much. And others too...
while actually it's all unconsciously orchestrated to still fit the norms..
Sharing as much as you can.. without ever really get too personal.

(to be continued.. and pending further editing)

Tentang roti sobek...

Too much of something is never good

Biasanya saya terganggu dengan roti isi yang isinya tidak mencukupi untuk menemani saya mengunyah rotinya sampai habis. Maka ketika kemarin saya membuat sendiri sang roti sobek, saya memastikan isian masing-masing roti berlimpah.

Tapi ternyata isi yang berlebihan itu tidak nikmat juga. Akhirnya saya harus mencuili bagian rotinya saja dan menyisihkan isinya untuk merasakan rotinya dengan nikmat.

Ternyata memang berlebihan itu tidak pernah baik.. (to be continued..)


Rasa Baru

Masih dengan niatan untuk memiliki roti sobek dengan isian berlimpah, kemarin saya memasukkan kreasi ini di sebagian roti-roti buatan saya : 1 sdt coklat cincang, 1 sdt kacang cincang, 1 sdt parutan keju leerdamer.

Coba tebak hasil paduan rasanya seperti apa?

Saya membayangkan hasil rasa seperti rasa isian martabak manis / terang bulan coklat kacang keju.

Ternyata rasa yang didapat adalah...

rasa bumbu pecel!

hahahahaha

Gubuk Derita

Derita jadi orang pendek

Saya biasanya cukup percaya diri kalau saya ini berperawakan cukup tinggi. Sampai beberapa hari yang lalu ketika saya masuk ke toilet wanita gedung universitas saya untuk mencuci tangan.

Toilet ini menggunakan sensor untuk otomatis menyalakan lampu apabila ada yang masuk.
Sayangnya sensor ini tampaknya tidak memperhitungkan saya dalam demografi penggunanya.
Karena, setelah pintu tertutup, saya ternyata harus meraba-raba untuk memastikan saya mencuci tangan pada tempat yang benar dalam keadaan gelap gulita :D

Walhasil saat ini ritual masuk toilet wanita harus saya awali dengan melambai-lambaikan tangan di depan pintu toilet dulu. "Hai sensor, saya disini" *sigh*

Derita makan bubur di musim dingin

Sebenarnya sudah bisa makan bubur pada musim dingin adalah suatu prestasi tersendiri. Karena tidak ada yang jual, pasti bubur itu adalah hasil jerih payah memasak sendiri tanpa kontribusi dari tukang bubur yang biasanya tinggal dipanggil :D
Apalagi kemarin bubur tersebut dimasak dalam keadaan sakit.

Sayangnya setelah perjuangan membuat yang cukup signifikan, ternyata untuk memakannya dibutuhkan pula perjuangan berikutnya.

Pada suapan pertama, bubur sukses membakar lidah :D ini salah saya, sih.
suapan kedua, hmmm, haduuu, ini, ya, nikmatnya makan bubur =')
suapan ketiga... halah... udah dinginnnnnnn T______________T
sedihhhhh T_T

Memanaskannya lagi di panci ternyata juga bukan solusi, karena kejadian sama kembali terulang. Bubur dan kuahnya yang bergejolak mendidih di panci, sukses mendingin setelah pindah ke mangkok dalam dua suapan saja =(

tampaknya lain kali saya harus makan bubur langsung dari panci di atas kompor saja kalau musim dingin begini ^^

Khusnudzon-lah

Alkisah beberapa hari yang lalu beredar di mailing list almamater saya tentang seorang kawan yang telah menikah. Sayangnya point pembicaraan lalu terpusat pada topik: mengapa tidak ada pemberitahuan?

Hari ini kemudian muncul-lah si kawan, dengan e-mail yang panjang lebar mengklarifikasi kabar, sebab musabab mengapa belum ada pemberitahuan sebelumnya, dan berlanjut dengan undangan untuk resepsi pada waktu yang akan datang.

Alangkah kasihannya kawan saya itu. Menikah yang di agama begitu dimudahkan saja, jadi harus dipersusah. Padahal sebagian besar anggota mailing list juga sudah menikah, yang tentunya berarti sudah merasakan bagaimana rusuhnya menikah di Indonesia itu.

Hal ini dulu juga sempat terjadi di mailing list almamater saya yang lain. Pada waktu itu pembicaraan bahkan jauh lebih heboh... dan... kejam. Karena kabar pertama kali datang dari kawan lain yang menemui si pasangan di dokter kandungan.

Ayolah, kita semua sudah dewasa, sudah belajar tentang tidak baiknya ghibah, apalagi fitnah. Jadi orang Indonesia itu sudah pasti dalam paketnya ada termasuk paling tidak sekali nasib tergosipkan oleh yang lain. Meski tentu saja ada argumen, itulah bagusnya komunitas kita, masih ada kontrol sosial yang jelas untuk perilaku setiap anggotanya oleh yang lain. Tapi alangkah sejuknya dunia bila kontrol sosial itu dilakukan dengan cara yang baik. Dan bukankah agama kita, rahmat bagi seluruh alam, telah menunjukkan caranya?

Membaca tajuk e-mail kawan saya itu : klarifikasi, saya jadi terfikir. Mungkin ini karena kita sudah terlalu banyak dicekoki infotainment di Indonesia. Dimana kabar yang belum jelas asal dan usulnya dan sarat praduga kiri kanan, a.k.a gosip, dengan mudahnya diumbar-umbar setiap hari, setiap jam, seolah-olah itu hal yang lazim. Mungkin itu lalu menjadikan radar kepekaan kita terhadap fitnah melemah? Dan kemudian, untuk membersihkan nama baik, sang selebritis kemudian harus mengadakan jumpa pers, memberikan klarifikasi...

Saya jadi ingat salah satu pesan Almarhum paman saya kepada istrinya sebelum beliau meninggal: jangan lah banyak-banyak menonton acara gosip.
Sungguh benar kata seorang kawan saya, orang yang bijaksana sering lebih cepat dipanggil karena Allah lebih sayang padanya...

Ah, setelah dipikir-pikir, mungkin saya sendiri jadi tidak khusnudzon sudah menulis posting ini...

Winter bliss

the crisp snow that crunched on each of my footsteps
the deep, shoes sole pattern trails I left behind
the soft wisp of snowflakes falling, hovering around before melting when they touch the ground, my jacket, or my nose
the pretty white blanket that covers the trees, vineyard, rooftops, and everywhere
the piles of fluffy white snows on fences' tops: my snowball fight ammunition

these are a few of my favorite things~~

eyecandies!

http://cuteboyswithcats.tumblr.com/
kyaaaa! xD

Bahasa Indonesia

Setelah menulis posting saya yang lalu, baru saya menyadari sesuatu :
ternyata menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia itu tidak mudah.

Atau ini saya saja, ya, yang tidak terbiasa menulis dalam bahasa Indonesia?

Saya selalu membanggakan pada kawan-kawan asing saya disini bahwa bahasa Indonesia adalah bahasa yang super-duper mudah dipelajari.

Bagi yang familiar dengan bahasa Inggris saja misalnya,
pasti langsung dapat menghargai betapa bahasa Indonesia yang sama sekali tidak mempunyai sistem tenses itu mudah.
Hendak berbicara tentang hal yang terjadi di masa lalu, sedang berlangsung, atau pun di masa depan? Gunakan saja kalimat yang persis sama dengan tambahan keterangan waktu yang berbeda.
Tidak ada kata kerja yang menjadi berubah karena masalah waktu, tidak ada susunan kata yang harus berubah.

Kata benda sebagai singular hendak dijadikan plural? Ulang saja kata tersebut tanpa pusing menambahkan "s" di belakang, atau menghafalkan benda-benda yang mempunyai bentuk plural perkecualian.

Lebih jauh, apabila hendak dibandingkan dengan bahasa dengan akar bahasa latin (seperti bahasa Perancis, Italia, Spanyol, Portugis), makin dahsyat lagi terasa betapa sederhananya bahasa kita.

Dalam mempelajari bahasa-bahasa latin tersebut kita akan direpotkan dengan bentukan kata kerja yang berbeda untuk subyek kalimat yang berbeda. Contoh: menulis dalam bahasa italia adalah "scrivere", apabila saya yang menulis, kata kerja tersebut menjadi "scrivo", kalau subyeknya kita/ kami, ia menjadi "scriviamo". Tentu saja hal ini tidak didapatkan di bahasa Indonesia dimana kata kerja menulis ya tetap menulis untuk subyek-subyek manapun.

Bahasa kita tidak mengenal perbendaan gender terhadap benda-benda(dan manusia). Bandingkan ini dengan bahasa akar latin yang mempunyai dikotomi terhadap benda-benda sebagai maskulin atau feminin. Apalagi bila dibandingkan dengan bahasa Jerman yang selain mengenal maskulin, feminin, juga gender netral (kalau bingung, ini kira-kira sepadan dengan "it" dalam bahasa inggris). Karena setiap benda memiliki kategori gendernya, maka akhirnya pada awal-awal mempelajari bahasa-bahasa asing tersebut, kata benda harus dihafalkan dengan artikel penunjuknya yang mengidentifikasikan gender kata benda tersebut : contoh "der Tisch"(meja, yang lelaki dalam bahasa jerman, hahahaha).
Merujuk pada sesuatu dan seseorang akhirnya harus memperhatikan kategorisasinya.
Bandingkan dengan bahasa Indonesia yang dimana kita bisa dengan santai cukup mengucap "dia" dan membiarkan pendengar menafsirkan siapa dia itu sesuai konteks karena "dia" bisa berarti menunjuk pada seseorang yang perempuan, maupun seseorang yg laki-laki.


Topik pembedaan gender dalam bahasa ini pernah diangkat kawan kuliah saya dulu (hello, Avicenna!). Menurutnya karena itulah bahasa Indonesia tidak dapat digunakan sebagai bahasa ilmiah.

Bisa dibilang pendapatnya ada benarnya juga. Karena akhirnya tanpa tenses, tanpa pembedaan subyek, semua bergantung pada konteks.
Perhatikan keterangan waktu untuk mengetahui kapan hal yang dibicarakan terjadi, perhatikan topik yang dibicarakan untuk tahu "dia" dalam satu kalimat merujuk ke siapa yang perempuan atau laki-laki. Semua kemudian dapat bergantung pada penafsiran.

Di lain pihak, hal ini dapat dikatakan keunggulannya juga. Fleksibilitas.

Indonesia sekali, bukan?
Hampir semuanya fleksibel seperti halnya jam datang angkot Cisitu saya dulu dan rutenya (kalau sedang sepi penumpang, ngetem dulu lah. Lalu kalau sepertinya banyak penumpang di arah sebaliknya, ya, putar balik saja :D)

Masih berkaitan dengan fleksibilitas ini pula, bahasa kita dengan mudah menyerap pengaruh dari bahasa-bahasa lain. Dan menciptakan slang-slang, ungkapan-ungkapan secara produktif.
Coba lah menjauh dari Indonesia selama beberapa waktu (contoh: kuliah di negeri orang dan tidak pulang-pulang bertahun-tahun :D). Maka ketika kembali pasti untuk memperoleh predikat "gaul" dan mampu berkomunikasi dengan gaya yang aktual dibutuhkan skill yang cukup. Seperti untuk memahami penggunaan kata "secara" yang tidak benar tapi populer misalnya :D

Bertautan dengan post sebelumnya, sejujurnya fleksibilitasnya ini lah yang telah mampu menjadikan bahasa Indonesia bahasa persatuan kita. Ia menerima serapan dari bahasa manapun, menerima dialek dan pengaruh dari bahasa daerah manapun.

Akhirnya fleksibilitas ini membuat bahasa Indonesia aktual yang digunakan sehari-hari berkembang pesat. Dan harus diakui akhirnya bahasa Indonesia baku dan bahasa Indonesia yang sehari-hari digunakan kini menjadi dua entitas yang bebeda.

Apa yang diajarkan di sekolah (sepanjang ingatan saya tentu saja) adalah yang baku, yang tadi saya puja-puji sebagai bahasa yang sederhana dan mudah dipelajari. Tapi apakah kemudian itu yang digunakan sehari-hari?

Cobalah praktekkan bahasa baku, baik, dan benar dalam percakapan sehari-hari, hasilnya adalah percakapan yang akhirnya tidak natural dan menggelikan bagi orang Indonesia asli dengan rasa bahasanya. Lalu harus bagaimana orang mempelajari bahasa Indonesia?

Akhirnya semua kembali pada dibutuhkannya "rasa" untuk bahasa. Yang dalam bahasa Indonesia sangat dibutuhkan untuk membuat kalimat yang "normal".

Inilah hal yang baru saya sadari ketika menulis posting mengenai sumpah pemuda sebelumnya.
Saya bahkan terhenti untuk beberapa saat ketika mulai menulis karena saya tidak tahu harus menggunakan kata ganti orang pertama apa. Saya? Aku? Gua? Gw (Singkatan favorit saya untuk kata "gua" yang pada perasaan saya seperti menjadikannya lebih halus dari pada "gua", hehehe)? Apakah yang satu terlalu formal? Apakah yang lainnya terlalu informal?

Akhirnya, untuk asas keadilan, pada lain kali saya membanggakan mengenai betapa mudahnya bahasa Indonesia, mungkin saya harus menambahkan keterangan bahwa bahasa Indonesia yang digunakan sehari-hari banyak menggunakan slang... dan.... tidak cukup mudah untuk diimitasi pembicara dengan bahasa pertama bahasa lain :D


Disclaimer:
penulis bukan jebolan pendidikan sastra manapun :D
silakan dikoreksi apabila ada kesalahan-kesalahan dan ditambahkan apabila ada yang kurang-kurang.

Kami putra dan putri Indonesia...

Sumpah Pemuda

1. Kami putra dan putri Indonesia, mengaku bertumpah darah yang satu, tanah air Indonesia.
2. Kami putra dan putri Indonesia, mengaku berbangsa yang satu, bangsa Indonesia.
3. Kami putra dan putri Indonesia, menjunjung bahasa persatuan, bahasa Indonesia.

Sungguh, aku berbangga menjadi pemudi Indonesia.

India, yang negaranya terletak di satu benua, tak terpisah-pisahkan sebagaimana kita dengan tujuh belas ribu sekian pulau kita, penduduknya antara satu sama lain hanya dapat bisa dipastikan saling mengerti apabila menggunakan bahasa Inggris apabila berkomunikasi.

Dua kawan karib saya semasa program Master dulu sama-sama warga negara India. Seorang berasal dari India Utara, dan seorang lagi dari India selatan. Sebagaimana Indonesia, masing-masing mereka memiliki bahasa daerah mereka, yang satu Urdu, yg satunya Tamil. Akan tetapi, berbeda dengan kami orang Indonesia yang dengan semena-mena bisa mendiskusikan hal-hal di antara kami sendiri menggunakan bahasa Indonesia tanpa dimengerti orang lain, mereka tidak dapat berkomunikasi antar mereka sendiri tanpa menggunakan bahasa Inggris.

Bahasa utama mereka, Hindi-Urdu, dikuasai dengan baik oleh penduduk India Utara, akan tetapi tidak demikian dengan di India Selatan. Penduduk India Selatan berbahasa Tamil sehari-harinya, dan sebagaimana mereka tidak dapat memahami Hindi, warga India Utara juga tidak dapat memahami Tamil. Sehingga antar kawan kami itu, mereka harus menggunakan bahasa nasional kedua mereka, Inggris.

Alangkah sayangnya, apalagi mengingat Inggris adalah bahasa yg masuk karena pendudukan Inggris di negara mereka.

Dan alangkah kagumnya saya pada pemuda-pemudi Indonesia pencanang sumpah pemuda. Yang telah dengan bijaksana memilih bahasa Indonesia, yang berakar Melayu namun bukan Melayu, bukan bahasa daerah tertentu saja, sehingga dapat dipelajari oleh semua warga Indonesia. Yang telah berikrar untuk bersama-sama menggunakannya untuk menjembatani perbedaan jarak, budaya, bahasa, antar penduduk kepulauan Indonesia ini.

Sungguh, aku berbangga menjadi pemudi Indonesia.

Yang pendahulunya dengan penuh keberanian mengikrarkan jati diri sebagai warga Indonesia di tengah pendudukan Belanda.
Yang memperjuangkan kemerdekaan negara ini dengan mengangkat senjata, bukan dengan menunggu pembebasan dan kemerdekaan yg diberikan oleh penjajah.

Sungguh, aku berbangga.

Indonesia...

Bila tangan tak sampai..
maka hanya pada-Mu jua lah aku tersungkur..
karena Engkau lah yg memiliki segala sesuatu di langit dan bumi

Karena pelukku tak sampai dan tak akan mampu melindungi siapapun dan apapun dari kehendak-Mu
Maka pada-Mu jua lah aku bermohon...

Rahmatilah umat-Mu ini
Rahmatilah dan terimalah amal perbuatan saudara-saudara kami yg telah berpulang, ampunkanlah dosa-dosanya, lapangkanlah alam kuburnya, mudahkanlah semua urusannya,

lindungilah kami semua yg ditinggalkan,
mohon berkahilah semua sisa hari kami,
berilah kami kekuatan, kesabaran dan kemudahan bagi kami semua untuk melanjutkan perjuangan kami sampai saat kami nanti kembali pada-Mu

karena pada-Mu jua lah kembalinya segala sesuatu...

Home is where you are now

I've moved to the new apartment since Sept 1st officially, but due to some trips it's only now that I finally start to really have a look at my environment.

We registered to be a resident in our community today.
After 4 years maintaining in all documents that we are still officially the resident of Indonesia, we finally changed our residence status.
Now that we live in a privately owned apartment this status is very much recommended to be had as it gives us the privilege of having lower rates to be paid on water, gas, and electricity bills, and also on urban waste handling fee.
It would also enable us to have the Italian citizen health insurance card as compared to the previous state where we can only have the declaration paper that we are supported by Italian national health insurance system since we were not yet a resident.

And today during this process I finally started to look around to my new neighborhood.

Once we started our day we were greeted by the lady living in front of our apartment(who has a cute black, long-haired cat!). She wore a very stylish hairdo and red-rimmed eyeglasses. She cheerfully asked us how are we doing, and shared that she is in a happy state. She commented on how we have always been inside our apartment. My limited Italian has prevented me from telling her the complete story that we've been away on vacation this month, silly me.
Instead, I told her that we are students that are doomed to be either be in the university or dead sleeping in the apartment :D

Well, in some way my answer is very correct now anyway that we have no internet at home yet, and it's freezing cold inside our apartment. We basically just spend the whole day in the university and only go home late at night for dinner and sleep.

Further on our way to the community center we found that there's a small bakery just outside our apartment complex that opens early at 7 in the morning. If only we knew it beforehand our breakfast this morning wouldn't be so sadly consisting of just the instant soup and crackers and J could have the breakfast with some bread and peanut jam that he craved for this morning.

We found too that there's a local bank branch just few steps from it. Going there surely will beat having to go to the other branch nearby my campus just to pay our bills.

We were helped by gracious locals on our way to find the community center. The bus driver didn't have the clue where is the community center that we were looking for, but a helpful old fellow passenger came to our help and told us the correct bus stop and how to reach the piazza. Further, when (still) we couldn't find the piazza, an old man eagerly stepped out of his way to show us the way to get to the community center.

When we finally reached the community center, we found that it is conveniently located in a small piazza, with a small cooperation shop, pharmacy, and tabacchi (small store selling newspapers, and your daily trivial needs) located nearby. A church is nearby, also a nicely arranged cemetery.

The lady in the community registration center was very helpful and the process only took few minutes given that we provided all the necessary documents. We only now need to wait for their information when our forms are done being processed.

It was a peaceful morning in that piazza, several locals were sitting on the benches, some old ladies were doing their groceries, a beautiful mountainous view enclosing the scenery. We enjoyed such view while we waited for the bus that would take us directly to our campus after we were done with the registration.

Four bus lines are operating on bus stops nearby our place. This one that we particularly waiting for is newly established and really is there connecting our apartment and the university directly. Another one serves to go up further to the community center and to downtown city. Another one serves to go up to my campus and downtown. Another one strictly goes to down town.

I realized... despite the minuscule size of our apartment, despite the freezing cold inside it now, and the still unorganized boxes of our stuffs that are laying here and there, it is a convenient and beautiful environment that we are living in now.

Even though the comfort of Indonesia is still fresh in our mind, and still we are aching as ever to be back there, in the warmth of our families and loved ones, to be back in the culture that we've grown accustomed to since our childhood, we are here now. It is our home now.

Dewasa dan tua

Konon katanya menjadi tua itu pasti, dewasa itu pilihan.
Tetapi, maaf, saya rasa saya harus berbeda pendapat.
menjadi tua itu pasti.... dan kepastian itu mau tak mau akan memaksamu untuk juga menjadi dewasa.
Karena bersama ketuaan itu datang lah hal-hal yg tak terfikirkan sebelumnya...
bersama ketuaan datanglah pemikiran mengenai kestabilan hidup,
mengenai masa depan, mengenai target-target yg lebih jauh, mengenai hidup yg lebih dari sekedar hari ini...

I don't want to grow up.

Poem

I read about a recently controversial poem, pipi mimi, published.
It is controversial as it could very blatantly be related to yet another current controversial celebrity affair of KD.
Yet, the author argued that she didn't attribute the poem to anyone in particular, it is just something that could be related to every women, so she said.

Well.. whatever,
I say there are too many coincidences between those points in her "fiction" poem with the current real story for her to be hiding behind the so-called "fiction" categorization.

but then.. *shrugs* oh well...

the only thing that bother me is...
that poem isn't worth being a poem.

I have always appreciated all the literature works which would give me a shiver in the spine, even a slap in the face if you will, through sheer words.
For me poems supposed to be chain of words which would tantalize your senses,
engage all your senses with it's strength and making you feel more about things it's talking about,
and would stimulate your mind into thinking deeper meaning of things.
It is a short(or not so short) reading that would leave you wiser by the time you finish reading it.

Not a blatant mocking of a see-through situation.
I say that's a parody writing... at best.

Children

They are the small humans that will be born and see the world through you, their parents.
People said once you have your own children they'll be your everything.

J said of course the kid will be the number one for him later (if we have one, insya Allah).
And when I protested that I should always be the number one, he pointed out how ridiculous it is to compete with your own kids.
But really, is it just given like that?

From the evolution point of view such protective feeling of parents is important to ensure the fragile little babies survival to the world.
But from the relationship point of view... is it fair?
That you'll love your children more than your spouse?

I wouldn't compare it of course to the love to our parents,
but in the other direction...

the baby was just born, we barely know him/her.
and we barely gone through anything with them.
Is it fair then if suddenly she/he's the center of your world compared to your spouse?

just my musings of course ^^
will be edited when I find the answer :D

Adulthood

By the end of August our apartment contract in the university apartment will be ended. They can no longer support all doctorate students, so we should find ourselves a private apartment to rent.
After weeks of scrutinizing the newspaper ads section,
after all the calls and trips in the hot summer day of Italy visiting each of the candidate apartments,
after some rejection and lots and lots of thinking and thinking,
yesterday we went down town to make our first-ever down payment for our first-ever privately rented apartment.

We talked to the agency lady about the upcoming formal contract that we'll sign,
we signed a down-payment agreement,
we paid the down-payment amount
and we left there freaked out and scared.

What if the lady isn't as nice as she seem to be?
What if this apartment isn't as good as it's supposed to be?
What if we'd find another better apartment later?
What if some unprecedented problems about this apartment come up later?

I looked into J's eyes and I saw all these fears and worries.
I tried to console him: that we have decided this, and come what may.
I told him that I'm freaking out too, and he's supposed to protect me and comfort me.
He said he's in the exact same boat as I am, how very selfish of me to expect that of him.

I guess we both just started to learn to be an adult.
Taking our very first step into the non-student world.

My dearest friend put it very wisely:
problems are what life made of.
That's just life. Problems are the spices of life.
(Masalah itu asam garam hidup; nothing can translate the sentence best I guess)

And I guess, that's just how we should go on, plunge into this adult life. Come what may.

Age paradox

So I met my neighbour on my way down to the first floor when I was about to go to campus today. I saw that he didn't lock up his apartment before he went, so I started chit chatting about how we better leave it locked if there's no one else inside.

Then we introduced ourselves to each other. (I know, there's a bit of problem in the structural order of how I chat eh? xP)

He then proceeded to ask whether I'm on my first year, which here usually refers to first year of college.

me: Ummmm, no?
him: Oh, master?
me: uhmmm, no ^^
(silence)
me: doctorate, third year :D

then we chatted again about our origin. He's from central America, but speaks fluently Italian because it's similar with Spanish (why, yes of course, how lucky >_<)
and we chatted about several things else.

But it seems he was still intrigued by the error in his initial judgment that when we waited for the bus (which was late as always) he then asked how old I am.

Hmm, that has taken me quite aback,
I thought there was a certain implicit rules somewhere that you shouldn't ask a lady her age? xP

But, anyway, as surprised as I was, I told him I'm 26.
And he went, wow, you look way way way less than that.
I just laughed and asked his age. He's 21.

Then on the bus, I realized I was happy that he thought I look younger.
Yay, me! *\o/*

But then the reality hit me,
oh.my.God,
I am now old enough to be happy when someone think I am not of my own age o_o

So the moral of the story is:

1. Western people can not really judge Asian peoples' age
2. When you are happy to hear someone said you look younger, then you are actually really really really old *facepalm*

O well, life, here I come, 26 years old and counting, alive and kicking ;)

Missing my religion

I feel so empty lately,
having no motivation,
constantly questioning my life and my existence.
Lying awake before sleeping, I noticed how I have been just dragging myself along,
from morning to morning,
from one deadline to the other,
fixing this, debugging that, coding this, implementing that..
get home, fix dinner, super tired, go sleep,
wake up.. repeat all...

I was blaming it on my PMS
I was blaming it on my 3 years dwelling in this very same problem of my research
I was blaming it on my deadlines
I was blaming it on my homesick, not going home for so long

Then I got reminded today,

A friend's brother passed away in his sleep,
solemnly and peacefully,
with no sickness or anything,
and with smiles on his face...

Subhanallah...

Will I get such a beautiful passing away later?

What have I been doing with my life?

I think I've made up my mind,
I wanna go home at Ramadhan, insya Allah,

I wanna be back in that religious atmosphere,
I want to pray my tarawih in mosques everyday without worrying missing the last bus,
I want to do my prayers along with my families,
peacefully at home without worrying my deadlines.
Insya Allah... amiin ya Robbal 'alamin

Kids

They are so cute and adorable,
but hold their hands and you'll notice how small and fragile they are >_<
Watching them running around, falling now and then, I can't help but worrying a lot of what could happen to them in this big, cruel world.

I think it is a wonder how any parent in the world could let go of those tiny hands to let them grow.
Kudos to my parents who have believed in me and let me grow, travel and learn so many things in the world although not always near you.
I love you so much.

Have you made anyone smile lately?

I was offered yet another ride today from someone I didn't know.

The kindness of people around me have just never ceased to amaze me =')
I guess this is what living in a small city supposed to be like.

Her name is Glenda; she's from Philippines. She's been here for 11 years, working in Casa di Riposo in Villazzano now. She has a gorgeous sleeping 2 years old daughter at the back seat. She was graduated from informatics too on 2002 in Philippines.
She was just finished accompanying her friend and was on her way downtown when she offered me a ride.
She did it since she said it's nice to talk to a foreigner once in awhile.

Tell me about it.

With my super broken Italian my daily circle is practically my work friends, my lecturers, and my Indonesian friends.

It's so very sweet of her to give me the ride and had our little chat along the way. She even made sure I arrived right in front of my campus =')

May you be rewarded for your kindness and blessed with happiness today on dear Glenda =)
*hugsss*

Sand

I remember reading about this, in a manga I think...or somewhere.

Relationships- of all kinds- are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.

source

The best way to get rid of papers

Turn them into confetti
Dress pretty/weird/funny for the carnival
Throw the confetti happily to everyone you meet on your way =D

Smile

My dearest friend gave me this song way back then,
and I just fell in love with the lyrics.
And I think it's true :)

Smile, and the world will become a better place
(somehow, maybe, I hope :P)

Listen here

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

The Art of Being Angry

It's one of those negative feeling, that would make you feel all your blood had risen up to your head. That would make you feel as if you are ready to explode.

I remember reading this quote from Aristotl back then about being angry, and I was deeply impressed by it.
I tried my best to remember it every time I have such negative feeling.
But I guess it's time I put it here so I can refer back to it easily when I'm angry.

Anybody can become angry
- that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree
and at the right time and for the right purpose,
and in the right way

- that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

Because words slice right through the heart easily.
And the word sorry hardly could mend even the surface of that wound...

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Wow, look at that, been such a long time since my last post.

J always protects me from anguish.
Like this morning, he told me to look away when he's looking at some violent/brutal video clips. Since I'm usually deeply affected by such vids.

I guess everyone tries to protect their loved ones from despair and bad things, etc.
But what's the limit?
How do you know when you should protect someone from something and when you actually should let her/him to experience it firsthand to learn from it?

I guess that's the key point in good parenting/teaching/guiding etc. To know the limit.
But then there's no such manual or defined measurements for such limit.
My mom always said that parenting us, her children, was always a trial and error process.
And... whew, I don't think I'm ready yet to do that. Ever xP