5 stages of receiving a diagnosis

First it was a surprise. That I am a victim of NPD abuse. 

Much like how I got the complex PTSD diagnose. 

Back then it's first disbelief/denial. I don't live in a warzone area.

With this one, I actually brought up the possibility, having seen how the symptoms just match.

The confirmation first felt as a relief. I am not crazy. Something IS wrong with him.

Then I started reading about it. And just like before it feels I am reliving all the painful events.

Now everything is clear, the why : he's a narcissist. Or maybe autistic and narcisstic.

Still, the "answer" doesn't make it hurt less. It hurts more and more now that all the instances, the hurt, swept under the rug, thought to be all my fault, all came back up. 

And together I can see, it's not all my fault as I made myself believe. 

It hurts, it hurts so very much. I am not yet to the next stages... I know i must do something. But this pain is just debilitating. This pain, i need to own it first. That I am hurt, really really hurt.

Being in a state of shock is an understatement.

I am spent, trying my best keeping my face straight from just bursting out ugly crying any second I can when no one's watching.

Validation today

 It doesn't matter whether it's autism or NPD or whatever undiagnosed thing it is / they are. 

I am hurt as a result. 

I am reduced to an empty shell of my former self in the limited space that I am allowed, which is getting smaller and smaller.

Whatever I do doesn't matter because it's never going to please you anyway.

There's something wrong with you. 

And after everything, I have to accept, there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to learn to survive, stay sane, and do my best for the kids.