Pak iping

 Daku bermimpi, ke kampus dan sedang mencari terminal yang bisa digunakan. Tak sengaja ku tersesat ke sebuah sudut ruangan yang rupanya buntu, dengan dikelilingi banyak ruangan kecil, masing-masing penuh dengan dosen-dosen yang sedang rapat. 

Lalu datanglah seseorang menyapaku, Pak Iping.

"Ngapain, Si?"

"Wah, maaf Pak saya tersesat tadi sepertinya, ini sekarang Lab Gaib, Pak?

Kuperhatikan ruangan itu penuh dengan bunga besar-besar dan banyak. 

"Cantik sekali, Pak", kataku, "persis seperti musim saat ini".

"Iya, springtime", kata Pak Iping.

Lalu kami berbincang-bincang sedikit. Pak Iping menggunakan baju kemeja panjang pink/ungu yang rapi dan impeccable. Beliau terlihat sehat, segar, dan wangi sekali.  Kutanyakan apakah beliau banyak memegang mata kuliah? "Lumayan" kata beliau. Lalu beliau bilang juga akan memegang mata kuliah tingkat TPB yang membuatku terheran-heran, "iya, Pak?", tanyaku. "We'll see", kata Pak Iping sebelum berlalu meninggalkanku.

Lalu daku terbangun dengan penuh senyum. "Wah nanti setelah covid kalau pulang ke Indonesia harus disempatkan nih sowan lagi ke Pak Iping di ITB", pikirku

Then reality hit me, Pak Iping sudah berpulang...

Senyumku langsung berubah jadi tangis sesenggukan. 

Semoga sungguh Pak Iping sedang dalam keadaan yang sebaik-baiknya kembalinya di alam kubur beliau. Bahagia, di tempat yang jauh lebh indah dari yang bisa kubayangkan, amiiin. Sungguh aku bersaksi beliau telah meninggal kan banyak ilmu-ilmu berharga yang insya Allah menjadi amal jariyah beliau, amiin.

Things A said

On Food : 

He loves reading "Room in the Broom".
The dragon in the story would like to have witch and chips for his tea time.
A : " Why would he want to eat a witch and chips? Fish-and-chips is much better!"
Me: " Hmm, I wonder... why do you think is that?"
A : " Maybe because Mommy dragon cooks him that!"

awww, so that's how he reason why people liking certain type of food: because their mommy cooks it for them! He made all my cooking hours worth it :')

On Sales  :

A :"I'm waiting for sales."
Me :"Oh, why is that? what sales"
A : "Because when there's sales in that sport shop we went last time, we can buy the crocs sandals like the ones that Thomas have! Then I can wear them to my school and show them to my friends!"

And I remember we did saw the crocs that he said his friend have in that shop, but the ones on sales were pink and with bigger sizes. I told him the crocs with his size and colour are not on sales so we can't buy them.
Then I thought nothing of it.
Apparently he remembers and now he's on to sales and discounts :D

Why do you wear hijab?

From time to time, I have to remind myself of why I wear hijab.

Not exactly for my own periodical soul searching though,

but because a stranger / neighbour / colleague / etc would ask me about it.

Explaining my own reason is one thing, but defending my reason is another thing.

This morning one of the mother in my mom-and-baby class asked me about it.

I replied with my first go to answer: because it's in my religion.

But she shot it down, "yes I know, but why do you do it?"

I'm a bit confused, but probably she wants me to explain it?

"I wear it because it's a form of prayer, to obey what God told me."

She still shot it down though, and keep on asking why...

I got confused.

So I thought, okay, let's go with more rational explanation that she could understand maybe?

I tried several rational explanations, all shot down.

- Because female is created beautifully and precious like jewellery,
- To remind myself to be humble and modest
- To focus more on the inside
- To be more practical
- etc etc

I was really frustrated because she would say she understood, and she respected it, but then she always somehow turned around all the argument and made my reason sounds horrible. It doesn't help that this conversation happened in Italian and I've only been eloquent in making small talk, definitely not on debating and explaining my belief.

At one point she even said " what about if you have a daughter? do you want her to wear it even if none of her friends wear it? she would be the only one!"

I was rather horrified at her notion. "But we don't wear this just because the others wear it", I exasperated.

Lots of thought went in my head, she's essentially saying you can't be someone if that identity does not conform to the common norm.
At that point my mind flashed thoughts like would she say this to .. say, a lesbian? Because at one point I knew she's okay with same sex marriage. Or that would be politically incorrect to say to them but not to us?

By that time I was really desperate, how can I explain things that will make her understand.

but she gave me the answer instead.

She said, in our religion we also have the sister, but they are devoting their life to God. Unlike you and I, we are normal people doing a lot of normal activities, getting married, have a baby, working, etc.

So, there's my opening.

Then my reason is analogue to the sister's. It's just that in our religion, every aspect of our normal life is our form of prayer. Raising my baby to be a good person is my form of praying too.

Now it seems I said something that finally she could understand...but she still seemed unfazed...

"But what will your husband say if you take off your veil?"

"Well, if that's what I want then it would be fine. It's my choice."

Then she seemed super shocked.

"Now that makes me more curious!"

"But,  it's my choice"

"Wearing the veil is your choice? your country does not oblige you to wear it?" 
She seems really shocked about this....and then I understood why she had been chasing me with all these questions. She thought I'm being forced to wear it....

"Yes, it's obligated by the religion but my country has no say in personal preference, we wear the veil if we want it"

Then the other mothers chimed in their disbelief that my country does not oblige veil....
And the conversation switches..

And I breathed a sigh of relief...

I don't know if the end she got her satisfying answer, but I thanked her for asking the question.
From now on I know how to explain it in my minimal Italian to other Italian people.

"È come le suore. Tutta la nostra vita e per Dio, solo che nella nostra religione, tutta l'attività normale nella vita è una forma di preghiera. Anche un sorriso è una preghiera per noi"

And that's how I am reminded today, of why I wear my hijab.

Less young = old?

My company made me take Italian language courses as it officially uses Italian as its language.
Still learning, I've found lots of new interesting things in Italian language that sometimes just doesn't translate to other language.

Today I've found one of those.

The term is : meno giovane

meno would mean less
giovane would mean young

so...less young? younger?

nope.

it's some kind of a polite way to say "old".

Because to say old = vecchio has some kind of connotation that it's outdated, so to soften the blow  be polite, they sometimes use that term: meno giovane.

I somehow have a hard time wrapping my head around that meaning though.

My head has the concept visually mapped like this:

baby..........................young..............................old

so I visualize less young to be:

baby.......less young.....young..............................old


yet apparently with the translation in italian this concept becomes:

baby..........................young......less young........old


I still need time to think this through.

Morning bus agony

The bus line from the city towards my campus is almost always late.
It's only early when I'm late so that I'd miss it, and mostly late when I arrive early to the bus stop.

Some days, though, it arrives much much later than usual.
And then as it sloooowwwly emerged from the corner of the street you found why :

And then you start to appreciate few things :

1. That the bus driver here is very kind, patient, and very careful in driving that they'd reduce their speed to match that of the cyclists and never pass them.
2. That the cyclists here all know their rights to use the street and calmly execute their rights to slowly and leisurely ride their bicycle whenever and wherever.
3. That you live in a mountainous area with small sized streets and little to none bicycle lane. 
4. That you are not among the densely packed students in the bus, desperately trying to get to their morning classes, already late and (probably) cursing under their breath with every pedal cycle nonchalantly taken by the cyclists at their own pace.

Kids

I was standing idly nearby the bus stop waiting for my bus that evening. There wasn't many people around and I wanted to enjoy the cool evening breeze, so I just positioned myself outside the bus stop nearby the bus stop glass wall.

I started fiddling on my cellphone to kill the time, browsing through websites mostly.
Suddenly a little girl ran up from behind me and just forced her way through the little space between me and the glass wall, almost knocking off my bag from my hand in the process.

There were lots of spaces everywhere else but there, mind you, so I was rather surprised and a bit ticked off.

"Psh, kids", so I thought.

The little girl continued hopping around, cheerfully laughed as she rejoined two ladies that I saw coming from the same direction as her. Apparently she was trying to race her mother and her mother friends who was strolling casually, taking the path in front of the bus stop while she took the path behind the bus stop instead. They all then continued walking away from the bus stop.

I quickly resumed my browsing activity in my cellphone when I saw from the corner of my eyes the little girl suddenly turned mid-step, pointing at me and exclaimed, "Guarda che bello il rosso!" (look, how beautiful is the red colour!)

To which the mother too turned at me, "Si, bello!" (yeah, beautiful!).
I was wearing my red shirt and red headscarf that day.

And before I could even register what happened, the happy little girl has continued hopping and running as they all then continued on their path.

Aww, I didn't even have the chance to smile to them for their compliments to my colour.
Kids are wonderful in their own way, aren't they? :)

Indonesians goal in life

*a young celebrity in an interview on her career choice*
"Yeah, I had to choose between my school or my career in sinetron, so, in the end I choose sinetron"

*another young celebrity in an interview about her wish for her baby daughter when she'd grow up*
"My wish is for her to be a sinetron actress"

Oh dear, seriously?
I could possibly understand if it's about a career in movies.
Maybe if you're into art stuffs and so.
But sinetron?
is sinetron really a ludicrously lavish career choice?
or is it really the case that career in sinetron is the only farthest goal Indonesians can dream of?

and why is Indonesian tv so full of celebrities news, crime news, and youtube cut and paste video clips? /rants

One of the most romantic love story

I love short stories, they usually could convey deep meaning through very little words.

Probably it's because they left most of the things to our imagination?
Probably because the short form allows us to absorb it easily, store it in our brain permanently and ponder more about it?

In the same vein, I love one shots manga.

I forgot how I stumbled upon this one shot way back then.
But the impact I felt after reading it lingered for some time. And still up to now.

I call this the most romantic love story in a one shot.
It's super sweet and heartbreaking in a twisted, unimaginable way.
It made me think of the term "the greatest love of all",
and how lucky must be someone to be able to experience it.


Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the one shot manga Muse by Dowman Sayman.

love is

When he woke up at night
Trying to fit the plastic bottle under the sink faucet
then realizing the noise might wake me up
so he filled it up by using the bottle cap instead
little by little

I love you

Several random observation on a morning bus

1. A boy might indeed glitter under the sun!

The vampires description of twilight (not that I read it, though, sorry :P) always puzzled me. "They glitter under the sun".
Huh, what?
Do they wear body glitter or something?
Such girlie vampires! xD

But this morning, under the warm morning sun of early march, in spite of getting squashed in the ultra packed bus, I witnessed the true nature of such phenomenon!

A boy can indeed glitter under the sun!!

As I averted my view from other human beings all unwillingly packed in this small container called bus to look down, I saw the back of the hand of a guy in front of me.

He was holding on to the bus door handle, thus the sunshine reached his skin through the bus glass door.

And I saw it..

it glitters!!!

Hold on though,
I am a researcher,
so somehow it didn't occur to me that time to check his face for fangs x____X

So, scientifically, instead I inspected further the mesmerizing glittery object in front of me.
Upon further inspection, it was his hand hair, which was gold blond, that reflects the sun and gave that glittery effect!

Thus, the conclusion is, that so called glittery vampires in twilight, are all just caucasian men with blonde body hair that they don't shave and just happen to reflect the sunlight :D

2. Sweet smelling perfume.. isn't so sweet in the morning bus packed with people

I love sweet smelling perfumes. My fav perfume back then was one which smelled like vanilla wafer.
But this morning, having to unintentionally intensively inhaling such sweet smelling perfume from one of the people packed around me, I realized... such sweet smell really could make me nauseous x____X

So, note to myself, search for a reallyyyyyy really light perfume to wear in the morning next time as not to offend anyone's olfactory senses early in the morning.

3. Human brain cluster computing?

As I stand there idly, busily thinking of the 2 above thoughts, I noticed that the person besides me was busy humming a tune and tapping his finger on the bus hand bar. I suddenly noticed, at the same time, all the brains around me are all working to each its own despite we are all standing idly and quietly in this overly packed bus in the morning.

If only we could finally able to make use of human brain as processors, it would be great to be able to connect them all, establishing an ad-hoc cluster processors that can be used for better purpose during that minutes the bus goes from one stop to the other! I'm certain the power could be used for greater purposes than to think about all these points I've just pondered upon mindlessly during my 10 mins commute from home to work.

It's a great day ;D

Well, not really xP

I woke up late,
did my best to do something but not being appreciated,
didn't have time to dress up as well as i wanted,
ended up smelling of onions from cooking breakfast and lunch despite already showering and putting on some perfume,
forgetting my wallet and all the bus cards etc inside,
ended up coming late in the office,

and I could go on and on and on abt how bad today is...

but when I'm juuuuuuuuuust on the verge of ranting about it,
my dearest workmate stopped me,
"hey hey it's a great morning! no one dies, no one is sick, so it's a great day!"

and,... yeah, it's a very simple way to look at life,
and it's true.
it is a great day!

then, cause she noticed how uncomfy i was being conscious about my smell, she lit up her essential oil aromatherapy, both so I would feel just fine with my smell and to calm me down xD

awww, how I love her :')

and... yeah... it's a great day!

ps. and i love essential oil aromatherapy now 

Life paths

Today I found some virtual traces of one of my long lost friend.
It spoke about frailty,
about the darkness he chose on his path,
about a world so far from mine that I just couldn't imagine

It is scary how far our life paths have strayed apart

I remember him for protecting me when I was on the verge of entering a rather dangerous path

Maybe, in a way, it should have been my own responsibility to protect him on his way too?

We're all adults though...

Maha pembolak-balik hati, Ihdinas siratal mustaqim

Love is...

keep on holding my hand and supporting my unstable stances
all the way through the long long rocky roads in the middle of nowhere
that we slowly walked through
under the hot hot 40 degrees summer heat
with my movement-constricting long batik skirts and my 13 cm high heels

eventhough you already told me not to wear them :D

I love you.

Rahmat

Pagi ini aku sibuk memikirkan masalah tidurku
Yang terputus tak jelas dan akhir-akhir ini harus kulakukan dengan perut penuh setelah subuh karena hanya pada waktu itu lah aku dapat tidur sebelum jam kerjaku

Otakku mulai berputar, mungkin boleh ku-jama' saja shalat maghrib dan isya'ku...
bukankah banyak keringanan Allah bagi umatnya?

Kemudian sampailah aku pada artikel ini, yang membahas ramadhan umat muslim di jalur Gaza, Afghanistan, dan Irak.

Alangkah malunya..
Aku sibuk sendiri dengan masalahku,
Melupakan alangkah sangat dirahmatinya hidupku dengan limpahan pangan,
sumber daya listrik dan gas yang selalu ada, rumah dan kerja yang melindungiku dari panas..

Pagi ini, bahkan doa kecilku yang tak penting,
yang kuucapkan sembari berlari dari rumah mengejar bis,
agar tak ketinggalan meski aku sudah 5 menit terlambat dari jadwal,
langsung di-ijabahNya
dengan bis yang datang beberapa menit setelah aku bahkan sempat membenahi hijabku setelah berlarian
Sungguh hangat hati ini mengucap syukur.
"It's little package of surprises like this that made my day. Alhamdulillah", pikirku.

Aku terlupa rahmatNya jauh lebih besar dari itu padaku...

"Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

Hamba sungguh berterimakasih atas semua rahmatMu ya Allah,
Ingatkanlah aku untuk selalu bersyukur kepadaMu
Janganlah masukkan aku ke golongan yg mendustakan rahmatmu

dan berikanlah rahmat dan kekuatanmu bagi seluruh umat Muslim di seluruh penjuru bumimu ini, ya, Allah
semoga kami semua dapat melalui Ramadhan ini dengan sebaik-baiknya, amiiin.

Kesendirian

Sering aku merutuki kesendirianku

yang makin terasa mencekam dalam malam

Namun kusadari, manusia terlahir sendiri

dan akan pergi dalam kesendirian juga

tidaklah hidup ini selain persinggahan, 

keramaian adalah kebetulan

ketika jalan masing-masing yang sendiri itu bersinggungan, 

kebersamaan adalah rahmat,

ketika jalan yang dituju searah,

dan waktu dan tempat (dan koneksi?) memungkinkan

pada akhirnya, dalam sunyi malam, kesendirian lagi lah yg menemaniku

Sudah sepatutnya lah sepi ini kujadikan kawan karib

agar sunyi yang sering terasa memekakkan telinga ini 

menjadi sesuatu yang menenangkan hati

karena pada sunyi, dapat aku mendengar suara hatiku

gaungnya memenuhi ragaku dan dapat kulihat jalanku

dan pada sunyi, dapat kubercakap jelas dengan Kawan sejatiku,

yang lebih dekat dari urat leherku

yang kutuju dalam jalan sendirku

maka meski iri aku setengah mati,

 pada mereka yang malam Ramadhannya begitu damai bersama orang-orang kesayangan

dan ramai dengan saudara-saudara seiman,

akan kusyukuri kesendirianku

wahai kesendirian,

Ramadhan ini, temanilah aku merayakan malam-malamku

meski tempat ini sepi dari adzan

ramaikanlah hatiku

sebagaimana ketika aku ruku' bersama orang-orang yang ruku'

meski dalam sendiriku

Surga

Kusadari... aku tak pernah berani menulis tentang surga.
Pun dalam lantunan doaku, yang berani kupinta hanyalah yang terbaik dunia akhirat.
Sepertinya tak pernah kusinggung-singgung mengenai surga..

Mungkin karena aku tlah berkecil hati.
Merasa diri penuh dosa.
Sadar diri ibadahku bukan pada level yang kuharapkan...
Tak pantas rasanya hendak mengharap surga...

Akan tetapi bila kurenungi lagi...bukankah itu seperti seolah-olah aku ini berburuk sangka kepada-Nya?
Bukankah telah selalu dijanjikanNya ampunan bagi hamba-Nya yang meminta?
Bukankah selalu dijawabNya semua doa hambaNya?
Bukankah selalu diberikan-Nya lebih dari apa yang kupinta selama ini?

Tapi... aku tetap malu rasanya hendak meminta surga...

Untuk semua rezeki, rahmat, berkah, yang sepertinya tak henti-hentinya tercurah padaku.
Masihkah pantas aku terus meminta?
Sementara ibadahku yang cuma seputar yang wajib-wajib saja itu rasanya sama sekali tak cukup
untuk melukiskan betapa aku berterimakasih pada-Mu untuk semua ini,
sama sekali tak sepadan untuk menyatakan betapa aku begitu memujaMu.

Sungguh segala puja yg kuwujudkan dalam ibadahku itu ingin kuniatkan hanya untukMu.
Rabi'ah Al-Adawiyah meletakkan duduk perkaranya dengan jelas:
"Jika aku menyembah-Mu karena mengharap surga, campakkanlah aku darinya."

Tapi rasanya, aku tak berani pula sampai pada titik itu.
Alangkah sombongnya aku rasanya...sementara aku sungguh takut berada jauh dari-Mu.
sungguh, aku memohon, janganlah campakkan aku dari kasih sayang Mu.
aku begitu merindu-Mu...

Ramadhan ini..aku ingin sebanyak-banyaknya merayakan setiap detiknya dengan ibadah
Aku ingin memujaMu selepas Ramadhan ini dengan sedikit lebih kepercayaan diri,
bahwa aku telah menggunakan sebaik-baiknya Ramadhanku untuk memujaMu...

dan mungkin nanti... aku akan mulai meminta surga bila boleh?

Responsible internet use

While not really an avid reader of this blog, xiaxue, I some times check this blog for some healthy dose of chuckle. She is a "lifestyle blogger" with several awards from Singapore. She makes blogging her profession, and I would say she's very successful at it that she even got quite large factor of her house renovation sponsored. 

I adore the pretty things she has, talks about, and promotes. She is extremely open about her plastic surgery. Reading her entries about her plastic surgeries opened my mind. It was seemed like a distant concept and unreal to me. But now I begin to understand that, yeah, it's just how some people work towards perfection in their own sense. The way I would work towards my perfection... in studying I suppose (I'm still in the mindset of a student, pardon me xP).

This blogger, xiaxue, somehow has gotten herself long list of people who hate her for inexplicable reasons that I couldn't really understand, though. And sometimes reading the blog I feel she has a bit too much hate and anger in her for all of this haters of hers expressed through her rants.

However in this one particular case of haters she retaliated with full force: A bad ass example of how to deal with internet haters for a lady.

While I think everyone in this case has violated all the privacy policies left and right, she has made her point clear. That despite the so called anonymity of the internet and how it is just something virtual, in the end there are real people behind it. Putting the face to the hateful comments which were made mindlessly when surfing in the virtual world makes everything much real. As much as there is a real person / people behind every picture that is distributed with/without consents in the internet, there are also real people who comment on that.

And with more than one person interacting, we do have rules and norms that we conceived through our socialization.

And so, virtual world never means a world without rules and responsibility. Everyone still has to take the responsibility for all their actions. If anything, it is even a scarier world, as the rules are not really "clear" and enforced as we have it in our already stable real life civilization.

As such, like in her case, pictures of you could end up somewhere, taken out of context and used for other people agenda. And anything you ever write might come back haunting you someday. (Oh wow, I hope I never did write anything hateful and stupid here x___x)

And so, for me, I'll stick on just adoring cute little things and cat pictures in the internet. The kitties know I always say good things about them :D

Another thing I can take from this case: it just strengthens my choice to never use Facebook and trust it with my personal details :D

Housewife experiences

Housewife experience #1

It's incredibly... exhilarating, -while sipping the hot tea and munching the breakfast you made in the morning in a hurry to catch the usual morning bus-, and then suddenly realizing : Oh, wait, ... I don't need to be in such a hurry! I can make my schedule around the timing I want.

I then realized, it's such a luxury to be able to properly put the plates and eating utensils to the sink, wiping off the counter and the dining table after my breakfast (I know why my apt is always in a mess now *excuses*). Usually I rarely even have time to properly finish my breakfast!

And this morning, I could enjoy it all! mwahahaha xD

I know how silly it sounds now.. but... yeah, wow... having the control of time is such a powerful thing!

Housewife experience #2

Properly defrosting and cleaning your freezer doesn't necessarily involve long hours spent in messy, wet puddles of the defrosted freezer matters!
I always put off defrosting and cleaning my freezer.
As far as I remember to do that I would need to be prepared to :
1. Get my hands and arms (and sometimes my clothes too, yeah I'm that sloppy) wet and cold handling the icy-cold water from the melted freezer frost.
2. Make a mess in trying to empty the freezer from the melted frosts.
The only method I knew was using sponge and lots of kitchen towels and the mopping bucket. It involves trying to soak up the sponges and kitchen towels with the waters, then wringing them dry onto the mopping bucket. This method causes lots of mess and drips all around the fridge area. Not to mention it's not very practical.
One of my flatmate back then had a super practical way to deal with water problem in the fridge like this. She just stuck up the mop there, and mopped the area like she would mop the floor :D
I would admit it's such a brilliant way to solve the problem.
That method certainly got me and my other flatmate rolled our eyes and exchanged glances though, and swearing we won't put our food in that area xP

3. Mop the entire floor as it's going to be all wet around the vicinity of the fridge up to the sink area.

As a result most of the times my freezer can always be seen super fully packed with built up frost and all my frozen foods.

But hey, I just finished cleaning my freezer in less than 10 mins just now!

Turns out the key is not to let it all get watery! Cold, solid frost chunks are easier to handle than the same amount of frost in liquid form.

I just had to wait for around 40 mins since the time I turned off the fridge until I heard a loud crack. A huge portion of the frosts on the freezer ceiling had cracked :D

I then only need to transfer any of the cracked frosts, all still solid, to the nearby sink. The things I used were just a flexible cutting board (Ikea stuff) that I used to transfer the solid frost from the fridge to the sink, a plastic ladle to get most of the crushed frosts, and last, a wipe cloth.

And in less than 10 mins I finished cleaning up my freezer, and putting back all my frozen stuffs.
I amazingly feel super proud about it xD

I need Antoinette in my life

My childhood sad memories were always reminisced with a little warm fuzzy feeling involved. It's because as far as I remember on my sad times I was always accompanied by my dearest first and best ever companion: a tabby male cat I aptly named Antoinette.

He was just a stray cat before he was with us. He had always been alone and quiet. On our meal times, he'd join us, sitting around us, and occasionally he'd put his paws on my laps or my parents'/siblings for any food that he'd graciously devour even though it was veggies. No meowing ever involved, he just always talked through his eyes. He had a quirky night routine as he would just sit and stare quietly to an empty space in between our corner sofa joint for a long time. We call it his prayer time.

My sad memories were always involving me locking myself in my room. And Antoinette would sit quietly around me while I cried my heart out. I'd caress him, and after some time, I'd know that everything will be alright.

S**t happens. That's life. And if I just suck it up and go on, everything will be alright. Just like his always calm and soothing stare and quiet purr.

Unfortunately as life goes on, and bad things continue to happen too inevitably now and then, I don't have Antoinette anymore in my life now. I can only hold on to my memories of him: the reminiscent warm, and fuzzy feeling when I always have him with me.

Perhaps its the no-fuss attitude of him. His always calm and composed manner. Every time I see him I know he's something I can hold on to. Something that would never change. That he'd always be with me whatever mistake and failure I've made.

May you rest in peace, dearest Antoinette.

Faltering heart, faraway dream

For the longest time, the after prayer wish that I always repeated was that:
I want to do my master degree abroad...

It sounds pretty naive now, but back then, it was a pretty huge dream for me.
Ever since my junior high school, my parents had made it clear that they'd only allow me to go study abroad after I got my bachelor degree.
Their reasoning is on the level of maturity I'd already have by then.
A reasoning which I couldn't really debate... so I could only wait 'til the time come, and keep my wish in my prayer.

Before I realized it, I was already doing my Doctorate degree here in Italy..

Alhamdulillah.

The wish, though, was already too incorporated in my set of wishes. I just automatically said it every time.

Lately, as I'm already abroad, and already doing my doctorate, it got awkwardly changed to: I want to finish my doctorate degree well.

And now.. I realize I need to change my wish soon.

To what?


Then I realized, that my wishes have always been very abstract.
It's about the general wish to be useful, to be a better human being, for the life now and in the afterlife, etc.
But.. nothing very specific.

And now.. I'm almost reaching the next junction to my future...
I'm super eager to move forward.
But I don't have any clear idea of my destination.

I could certainly make up a simple goal like my previous wish: I want to work in a super cool company A, maybe.

But, looking at my age... isn't this time where I'm supposed to already know where am I going exactly?

I recently fell in love with G-Dragon's works. I found that most of the songs I liked are composed by him, and found many more of the songs he wrote that I like. The lyrics too are usually very especially deep and profound.

He is going to be 24 this year, and he already made his own solo album, all songs written by himself, a realization of his dream since his childhood. This song is particularly summarizing about his struggle from his very young age (13!) to be a singer.

I look at myself, and I envy how I don't have that kind of clear idea of my goal even now when I'm 28.

My father consoled me, he himself had never thought he'd be where he is now.
It was never in his imagination back then to be in his current position now.
And that his prayer has always been general too, like my abstract prayer.
But as time goes by, somehow everything flew him in this direction.

My mother, too, assured me, that the road to the goal is never conveniently straight. There are always deviations, left and right. But just like pendulum, it will sway left and right, just to get back to the center, always.

In the word of my brother, in the end it's all about fate.

It's something that we don't know beforehand, but we'll find it out when we are just there.

I'm on my way there...
what's the exact "there"..., I have no idea yet.

Sure, I can blame it to the not-knowing part, that my struggle is hard.
But even if I would already have known my goal, the road to success is never easy anyway.

So I'll just do my best for now and whenever,
and I'll find my fate when the time comes.