Age paradox

So I met my neighbour on my way down to the first floor when I was about to go to campus today. I saw that he didn't lock up his apartment before he went, so I started chit chatting about how we better leave it locked if there's no one else inside.

Then we introduced ourselves to each other. (I know, there's a bit of problem in the structural order of how I chat eh? xP)

He then proceeded to ask whether I'm on my first year, which here usually refers to first year of college.

me: Ummmm, no?
him: Oh, master?
me: uhmmm, no ^^
(silence)
me: doctorate, third year :D

then we chatted again about our origin. He's from central America, but speaks fluently Italian because it's similar with Spanish (why, yes of course, how lucky >_<)
and we chatted about several things else.

But it seems he was still intrigued by the error in his initial judgment that when we waited for the bus (which was late as always) he then asked how old I am.

Hmm, that has taken me quite aback,
I thought there was a certain implicit rules somewhere that you shouldn't ask a lady her age? xP

But, anyway, as surprised as I was, I told him I'm 26.
And he went, wow, you look way way way less than that.
I just laughed and asked his age. He's 21.

Then on the bus, I realized I was happy that he thought I look younger.
Yay, me! *\o/*

But then the reality hit me,
oh.my.God,
I am now old enough to be happy when someone think I am not of my own age o_o

So the moral of the story is:

1. Western people can not really judge Asian peoples' age
2. When you are happy to hear someone said you look younger, then you are actually really really really old *facepalm*

O well, life, here I come, 26 years old and counting, alive and kicking ;)

Missing my religion

I feel so empty lately,
having no motivation,
constantly questioning my life and my existence.
Lying awake before sleeping, I noticed how I have been just dragging myself along,
from morning to morning,
from one deadline to the other,
fixing this, debugging that, coding this, implementing that..
get home, fix dinner, super tired, go sleep,
wake up.. repeat all...

I was blaming it on my PMS
I was blaming it on my 3 years dwelling in this very same problem of my research
I was blaming it on my deadlines
I was blaming it on my homesick, not going home for so long

Then I got reminded today,

A friend's brother passed away in his sleep,
solemnly and peacefully,
with no sickness or anything,
and with smiles on his face...

Subhanallah...

Will I get such a beautiful passing away later?

What have I been doing with my life?

I think I've made up my mind,
I wanna go home at Ramadhan, insya Allah,

I wanna be back in that religious atmosphere,
I want to pray my tarawih in mosques everyday without worrying missing the last bus,
I want to do my prayers along with my families,
peacefully at home without worrying my deadlines.
Insya Allah... amiin ya Robbal 'alamin

Kids

They are so cute and adorable,
but hold their hands and you'll notice how small and fragile they are >_<
Watching them running around, falling now and then, I can't help but worrying a lot of what could happen to them in this big, cruel world.

I think it is a wonder how any parent in the world could let go of those tiny hands to let them grow.
Kudos to my parents who have believed in me and let me grow, travel and learn so many things in the world although not always near you.
I love you so much.

Have you made anyone smile lately?

I was offered yet another ride today from someone I didn't know.

The kindness of people around me have just never ceased to amaze me =')
I guess this is what living in a small city supposed to be like.

Her name is Glenda; she's from Philippines. She's been here for 11 years, working in Casa di Riposo in Villazzano now. She has a gorgeous sleeping 2 years old daughter at the back seat. She was graduated from informatics too on 2002 in Philippines.
She was just finished accompanying her friend and was on her way downtown when she offered me a ride.
She did it since she said it's nice to talk to a foreigner once in awhile.

Tell me about it.

With my super broken Italian my daily circle is practically my work friends, my lecturers, and my Indonesian friends.

It's so very sweet of her to give me the ride and had our little chat along the way. She even made sure I arrived right in front of my campus =')

May you be rewarded for your kindness and blessed with happiness today on dear Glenda =)
*hugsss*

Sand

I remember reading about this, in a manga I think...or somewhere.

Relationships- of all kinds- are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.

source

The best way to get rid of papers

Turn them into confetti
Dress pretty/weird/funny for the carnival
Throw the confetti happily to everyone you meet on your way =D

Smile

My dearest friend gave me this song way back then,
and I just fell in love with the lyrics.
And I think it's true :)

Smile, and the world will become a better place
(somehow, maybe, I hope :P)

Listen here

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

The Art of Being Angry

It's one of those negative feeling, that would make you feel all your blood had risen up to your head. That would make you feel as if you are ready to explode.

I remember reading this quote from Aristotl back then about being angry, and I was deeply impressed by it.
I tried my best to remember it every time I have such negative feeling.
But I guess it's time I put it here so I can refer back to it easily when I'm angry.

Anybody can become angry
- that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree
and at the right time and for the right purpose,
and in the right way

- that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

Because words slice right through the heart easily.
And the word sorry hardly could mend even the surface of that wound...

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Wow, look at that, been such a long time since my last post.

J always protects me from anguish.
Like this morning, he told me to look away when he's looking at some violent/brutal video clips. Since I'm usually deeply affected by such vids.

I guess everyone tries to protect their loved ones from despair and bad things, etc.
But what's the limit?
How do you know when you should protect someone from something and when you actually should let her/him to experience it firsthand to learn from it?

I guess that's the key point in good parenting/teaching/guiding etc. To know the limit.
But then there's no such manual or defined measurements for such limit.
My mom always said that parenting us, her children, was always a trial and error process.
And... whew, I don't think I'm ready yet to do that. Ever xP

Terharu =')

A senior asked to meet to discuss about the tool I am developing for my research.
When I met her, she was scribbling, studying some paper.
And I found that... it was the paper I wrote.

The printout of my paper was full of her scribbles here and there. Some sentences were underlined. She has a bigger diagram from my paper printed out, as she said some diagrams can't be successfully printed out in small size. The folds and creases showed she has turned over those papers again and again.

Aww... =')

I thought I was going to melt at that time.

Never did it occur to me that someone would read my paper that intensively.

I can't help but think, oh, God, I hope there weren't any silly typos that I missed out >_<

I'm moved beyond belief.

May this moment motivates me more to do my research =)

Random act of kindness

I have forgotten already how does it feel to accept random act of kindness.
Today I received one.
I was just running an errand, buying groceries for survival, in the nearby supermarket this afternoon. The closing time of the shop was not really convenient as I still had roughly 20mins to wait for the next bus going to my place.

As I crossed the street to the bus stop, a lady and her daughter suddenly said hi to me (in Italian). I greeted her back, having no idea what she might asked. Unless they are fellow students, or old people, it's pretty rare to have Italians struck a conversation first with a foreigner like me. As it turned out, she asked me if I wanted a ride with her since she said she's living nearby and going home now.

I was honestly...surprised, mesmerized, speechless.... and ashamed >_<
First, I somehow can't recall ever seeing her in my neighbourhood, yet she recognized me. Second, she graciously offered a ride while she could very well just ignore me as I could get on the next bus anyway. Third, it's been a long time that I don't find this side of Trento, of a small city where almost everyone knows each other and talks to each other in public .And last but, yeah, very least, I'm so not in a proper public clothes; as I thought I was just running a small errand, I only wore a jacket, my crumpled baggy pants, and my flip-flops. Oh, God.

And, curses to my very very limited italian language vocabulary, I can't convey any of those mixed feelings in proper italian sentences to communicate with her.

With my super broken Italian I tried to tell her it's fine, I could wait for the next bus. She simply replied "come vuoi..." (I don't know how to properly translate this, literally it's "however you want", but in conversation this is more like saying "up to you") and continued that she was going home anyway with her daughter.
I could finally only sheepishly said, yes, thank you, to her.

And so we rode her car. Her name is Patricia and her daughter is Adelle, 9 years old. She's a native of Trento, living in the upper side of my neighbourhood. I told her I'm a student here, from Indonesia. And I'm so embarassed that I had to tell her I've been living here for 3 years, but still can't use proper Italian for small talks like this >_<
(Note to self : it is of high importance to take the advanced Italian course now!)

And so.. the short ride ended, and we parted our ways.
Once again I cursed myself since I didn't even know how to express my gratitude other than saying "grazie mille". In english at least I would go on with 1 full long paragraph of gratitude sentences to thank her for her help. But all I could say in Italian was just grazie mille...grazie mille (repeated until the car door closed).

And here I am in my home, safe and sound without having to wait for the bus in the cold, with warm and fuzzy feeling after receiving such random act of kindness. I hope I could return the favour someday, somewhere, somehow, and I hope I could do such an act of kindness to stranger here too next time. Amen :)

my kuing kuing

The Reason Why "RS" Is Deemed "An Expert"

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20227115.500

xenophobic italy?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5622156.ece

Italy is going further and further into this direction...

In my city there were only 2 small mosques, one of them was so small that it is only for men. It couldn't afford any space for women. And yet still, on friday prayers, the rows of people would spill to the street in front of it.

The second mosque is bigger than the first. At least there is a small room for women. On Ramadhan we would be tightly packed on tarawih prayers in that room. It was usually hard to properly sit and bow during the prayers.

For Eid-ul Fitr and Eid-ul Adha prayers these years an indoor sport hall was always rented. Thus, bigger number of people could be accommodated.

Last year the moslem community of my city began to build a masjid from scratch. Not in the city, but rather in the outskirt. It was planned to become a centre of activities not only for people in my city but also for moslem in other cities in this region. It was planned that on last Ramadhan we would have our Eid-ul Fitr prayer there, and not in the sport hall. But the masjid building was still not yet finished by that time.

During all the process of this building there were already some movements to object having a masjid in this region. I heard there was one moment where they hold a petition signing event in a piazza, talking about the act of terrorism and ask people to sign their petition to object to masjid building.

I read in the paper that actually there was a statement from the church in the region that support the building of this masjid. They recognize that it is a facility for prayer and people with religion needs such facility (CMIIW my italian is not that good). I talked once with my professor too, (an Italian, and he was the one who brought up the topics) and he expressed how ridiculous and made non-sense it was to object a facility of prayer to be built.

But, then... the government decision was issued. The building process had to stop, they withdrew the permission to build the masjid.

That was last year.

I just recently came back from a vacation in my home country. And upon coming back I learnt that now the small mosque is closed. There is only one mosque allowed now in this city...

And here comes the banning of food...

I enjoyed staying in Italy because the people are warm, just like Indonesian.
they smile and say ciao to strangers, they chitchat on the bus. All italians I came into contact with are nice, friendly, and kind.

CMIIW but I think how the situation advanced now is scary...

lie to me

It's a title of new tv series j downloaded based on the ads we kept on hearing in yahoo launchcast. It builds the story around the fact that there are many things in body languages people can take hints from to tell whether someone is telling the truth or not. Because simply a slight right shoulder shrug could betray a full rehearsed lie.

But then maybe it's not the body languages who betray people,
more like people are betraying their own body by involving it in an act of lie.

When we see it that way, it is amazing how our whole body parts are actually given with an inherent resistance system towards making lies. The faster heart beat, the cold sweats, the shame, the guilty feelings that would churn your guts after you did something bad. It is a bad thing, therefore our body parts are encoded to make it harder for us to lie, or do something intentionally bad in general. In wars some studies have shown that actually more bullets are shot to a random direction, as it is not in human basic instinct to kill someone else. The corollary is shown in studies concerning how there are many soldiers suffered from depressions after war. As they are essentially fighting the will of their own body and mind by killing other people.

I guess this thought will go with some verse (or hadith?) which said that later in the judgement day our body parts will stand by themselves as the witnesses for us, and reports all things, good and bad, that we have done. Jokingly we can say our body parts have their own free will ^^.

Another possibility is that actually it is not about something encoded in the body. The conscience already know that a certain something is bad, therefore, although maybe repressed, it sent this signal to the whole body which then reacts. After all, mind controls everything in our body. People could say love hurts, because when you feel sad by love it goes to the same part of brain which sensor hurts literary, thus you feel the hurt.

Anyway you look at it, -whether it is something already encoded or it's something our own conscience is telling our body-, then it is actually easy to stay away from doing bad things, doing harms to ourselves.

May for our lifetime we don't need to betray ourselves from the true path. May we always be sensitive to listen to our conscience. May our conscience always be guided to always know the truth.

ps. no, don't lie to me though. i picked the title just because it's that series which sparked this thought. I myself am a bad lie detector and therefore a bad liar.

RTSS nightmare

Just attended a mock-presentation as a rehearsal for the presentation of my first paper in RTSS.
I'm working on this paper with two profs, one from the embedded system background (my main PhD tutor), the other from the formal method background. It's my main advisor who will present the paper.
People from both area gathered for the presentation, and ... the question session started...
all hell break loose >_<
oh my, while my prof seems could manage all the questions, my guts churned listening to the questions coming.

I still have sooooooo much to learn in formal area T_T

It's half an hour after it finished, and I'm still disturbed in that how I'm still lacking all those knowledge.

I'm so far away from having the ability to present my own paper and defend it from all those questions.

While it's a consolation that
it won't be me who present it myself anyway, and I won't be able to even help answering the question since I couldn't attend it, and that I'm still a first year PhD student (well, ok, starting my 2nd year now),
still... I thought that at least I could possibly manage some of the questions.

It's so overwhelming in that this formal area is such a vast body of research.
Unlike when it was way back in high-school, or even in bachelor degree, where you have a finite set of references. And reading and mastering them will grant you the knowledge to master the material. Now, it's all current researches and papers which made up this body of knowledge. New papers published every so often. And I thought I've read soo many papers on it. But still I it doesn't seem to be enough. and the show of force (show of knowledge?) in that discussion forum scared me...

I'm still a looong loong way from home....

For my fellow Indonesian students...

Pesan Sukarno kepada Pemuda Indonesia

“Engkau hai pemuda pemudi yang ada disini, sedang mengerjakan investment. Kerjakanlah pekerjaanmu dengan sebaik-baiknya. Kerjakanlah sebaik-baiknya oleh karena apa yang kau kejar sekarang ini ialah ilmu, dan ilmu itu bukan untukmu sendiri, tetapi ialah untuk anak cucumu, untuk bangsa Indonesia, untuk rakyat Indonesia, untuk tanah air Indonesia, untuk negara Republik Indonesia … semuanya menunggu-nunggu akan kedatanganmu kembali agar supaya kamu nanti dapat memberi sumbangan kepada pembangunan tanah air dan bangsa.”

(Pidato Bung Karno di depan mahasiswa Indonesia di Amerika Serikat, tahun 1956)

I got this quote from a random mail, I just can't help crying somehow reading it...
Maybe it's because I'm just too stressed with my work here now...
but then, have I really done my best? Have you?

playing around with style

When I was little one of my ambitions was to be a fashion designer :D
what do u think of these sets? :P

About suing for emotional distress

There is something that doesn't sit right with me about this article.
I've read the initial article I think months ago,
about a girl who sued a hairdresser where she applied for a job,
since she wasn't even given a chance to show her ability.
she was just turned down because she couldn't show her hair while working.
I'll put that initial article link later if I could find it.

While I found the salon owner reasoning is pretty sound,
given that the notion of veil must be unfamiliar for her,
let alone the notion of a hairdresser wearing veil while treating a customer's hair.
Yet, I also found that despite the novelty of such idea,
I think she still could have given her a chance to show her professional skill first
before really turning her down.

The problem is about the equality of the right to work professionally.

However, then in this new article the focus is then shifted to about the emotional distress of the girl having turned down by the salon.
And for that she is granted 4k pound sterling.

Somehow the court ruling doesn't seem fair and wise to me...

In the court the suing hairdresser won because

She (the salon owner) was not able to prove her contention that employing someone with a headscarf would have the negative impact on her business's stylistic integrity that she feared.

Thus, I think the proper solution would be to have some kind of legal base that ensure
for the future that every person, despite her headscarf, must be allowed the chance to
win the hairdresser job just based on their professional skill.

The part involving money to pay for the emotional distress part is the one that doesn't sound right to me.

It sounds....kinda greedy?

Emotional distress can happen.
It's just parts of human life in society.

How can you measure an amount of money to heal your heart wound from emotional distress?

Having the problem settled in court with an amount of money paid for you for your emotional distress, how would that heal your depression?

Isn't a fair apology from the person feels better?
A sincere admittance of apology with warm handshake and eye to eye contact that convey the empathy and understanding of your distress,
and then also your own act of forgiving that person.

Isn't that what heal heart wounds?

To me the court decision with the money grants somehow sounds like its going to add more social tension...

I really hope the aspiring hairdresser with veils will find her dream job.
I really hope that the salon owner will be able to pay the money and prosper in her salon business and might take a hairdresser with veils as an employee in the future for her awesome hairdressing skill.
And I hope the same for all other aspiring hairdressers in veils and other salon owners in the world...

And may peace fall upon the world...as Islam is rahmatan lil'alamin..

my daemon :P

Hihihi, cantik, ya ;)
namanya kurang asik, tapi.
masa sangar2 cantik begitu dinamain Olin.
minimal....ummm...apa, ya...Antoinette! xD

btw, ini gw dapet dari raiza yang konon dapet dari sandy.
Jadi trendsetternya si Sandy, ni, tampaknya ;)

yang ini daemonnya j, niii, hihihi,
keren, ya;D
padahal tadinya dia dapet yg lebih keren: snow leopard,
tapi terus ilang linknya.
kata j ntar kelinci habib dimakan tu ma si Loreana ;P



masih berhubungan ama kucing-kucing cantik kaya daemon2 di atas...

tadi daku nemu daftar kucing kucing langka di dunia.

hiks..hiks...hiks...sedihhhh ='(

kucing cantik cantik & lucu lucu begitu ampir punahh, huhuhu.
gw bahkan baru denger sekarang yg macan biru itu..

gmn, ya, caranya nolongin biar ga punah?

dikate suruh nyumbang ke organisasi wildlife juga,
kok jadi kayanya miris,
nyumbang banyak2 ke indonesia masihhh aja banyak banget yg perlu
(abis baca ini beberapa hari yg lalu, sedihnyaaaa T_T),
ini mo nyumbang ke kucing =(

oh kucing kucing tersayang,
pada survive, ya *hugs hugs*

gw nunggu nunggu bioteknologi yg bisa ngerealisasiin mimpiku, ni:
pengen bisa pelihara macan, singa, polar bear, dan semua yg ada di list kucing2 langka itu,

tapi yg selama2nya kecil aja,

jadi lucu bisa buat maenan =D
*namanya teknologi forever-young-kittehs, kali, ya? ato bonsai kitteh? xD*

away from home

it began with a simple birthday card,
and me planning to write some simple words,
some wishes for my daddy dearest.

then my mind wandered
and I realized that
i hardly can remember the last time I was home to wish you a happy birthday in the morning, Dad...

I've always thought that being away from home,
something which I've done since I was 14,
is something that makes me stronger.

but, is the price I pay worth it?
wouldn't I be stronger if I spent more years learning from my parents wisdom?
building closer bounds with my dearest brothers and sister?
have i alienated myself from my family with all these years away from home?
have i done the best as a daughter for my parents?
have i been wasting my not-so-long-time in this world away from you, my Mommy and Daddy dearest?

Suddenly I just wanna go home...

And after a sleepless night
just to find out in the morning that I could right away sleep peacefully after some calls with my parents,

and some chats with my friends dearest,
I found out that home isn't just my family,
my old friends too...

with all my works now, have i been wasting moments I could have spent with u guys?

and i wanna go home more and more...




ps. but someone is going nearby here instead ;P yayy for velly! =D)

being busy and twitter

hehehe, those two are actually contra productive to each other :P
but anyway,
in the middle of tons of works that I have to finish for my paper submission due this weekend,
my dearly devoted dJ found twitter (although initially he misleaded me to tweeter which resulted in me frowning, "huh?")

I've known this twitter thingy since quite some time ago.
Yet, I restrained from joining it since I viewed it just as a blog for ultra obsessive writer that likes to report every second of his/her life. Plus it is so much prone to stalkers (being a stalker myself makes this possibility sound creepier :P).

But, anyway, it's true such a thing is very handy for J who is too lazy to write something like a long post entry for a blog.

So here i am joining him in twitter.
Hmm, then....what else? who else is there?
....seems no one that we know r there.

oh, the horror. lol.
either the hip of twitter has passed, or none of our friend had known it yet, or everyone chose to shun it just like my initial thought xD

so since we are in it, would you like to join us in twitter? *wink wink*

ikut2an habib ;P

wiii, heboh deh, avatar gw :P
jadi inget account gaia daku.
dulu dipaksa-paksa bikin ma temen ;P
tapi karena gw nya males bener bergaul disana jadi miskin deh, avatar macem gini ga bakalan kebeli dah xD

yet another random post :P

Your results:
You are Mystique

Mystique 68% Dark Phoenix 58% Dr. Doom 54% Apocalypse 52% Poison Ivy 51% Catwoman 44% Magneto 44% Riddler 40% Venom 39% Mr. Freeze 39% Two-Face 36% Lex Luthor 34% Juggernaut 32% Green Goblin 32% Kingpin 25% The Joker 24%

Sometimes motherly, sometimes a beautiful companion, but most of the time a deceiving vixen.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

All about manga!

I found a good article today about all different interesting manga out there.

And I found myself got carried away to re-live those good old time spending the whole day reading manga :D

I finished reading 12 manga today @_@
I guess thats a bit too much actually >.> but, well, I guess thats to repay my absence from reading manga these past few...weeks? xD

And that reminds me how my usual list of visited manga sites are gone with my ruby.
So here I'll write some links for manga sites I usually visited for my future reference:
http://stoptazmo.com/
http://shoujomagic.net/ --> mostly girly shoujo manga ;P
http://vnsharing.net--> the site is in vietnamese but you can get your hands around it easily for manga downloads
http://www.vimanga.ru/manga/
http://www.mangaworld.org/
http://www.omanga.net/
http://kotonoha.monkey-pirate.com/

I found some manga really have mature contents, not necessarily in the "H" meanings, but also in that they have mature topics: some might be so dark, weird, and abstract you get yourself confused. Still, not many succeeded to impress me though. I think I have to make some posts later about manga that touches me.

Daily program necessities!

Ok, this one is a rather geeky post.
After my ruby left me I am forced to make use of my working desktop optimally, not just as my unix workstation to which I connect from my ruby :P

And...turns out im sooo highly dependent on some programs. I just can't function without having them ready at my disposal first. So. I'd like to enlist them, also for my own need when later I have to set up my ruby part de deux ;P

Of course as a fake CS student I dont really know much abt these programs aside from merely their use which is relevant to my need. You should refer to J for more informations, plus he is my trusted source of information abt all these programs :P

1. Mozilla
This is the first and foremost because I need to use it to download other programs that I will need :P
Along with it, install the add ons :

• Adblock plus ( J's suggestion)
• Delicious ( still J's suggestion)
• Pray time! (my own need, dont forget to set the alarm 10 mins before the prayer time. no, not to prepare to pray on time, rather to not miss the previous prayer xD)
  

2. AVG
Everyone needs an anti virus of course. This one is free and working great for me =]
Unlike that symantec one which always bugged me with updating process and taking soo much effort just to uninstall it completely @_@

3. Yahoo messenger (+ msn live messenger optionally)
It's of some utmost priority to be installed immediately because I need to bug J if I need to ask question abt what to install, how, etc xD
I started to use MSN too. They have the customizable emoticon feature that just made me much more expressive than in yahoo ;P

4. Putty
My works are involving programs that only works in unix system. Since I refuse to use all those unix kind as my main OS. I rely on Putty to connect to my unix workstations.

6. WinSCP
Still related with the previous I use this to transfer back and forth the files I manipulated in Windows to be executed in Unix.

7. TortoiseSVN
Working in a team which use SVN (almost the same with CVS back then) to collect the works and maintain the versioning I found this program is convenient for my windows oriented mindset ;P
J complained that it adds things to the right click though, which is correct, but *shrugs* o, well.

6. Ultra Edit (pirated) or PSPad
I love Ultra Edit! I make use of its macro well for my work. It's pirated though >.>
J is advocating me to do right and use free programs. And this PSPad comes quite as a nice replacement for UltraEdit.

7. Acrobat PDF (pirated) or Ghostscript + Ghostviewer
The thing I love most abt the pirated Acrobat is the commenting facility. Oh, how I love to scribble so many things on all my pdf files I read. It just doesnt feel that I really read it if I dont put at least some highlights in some lines, or some question mark in some sentences, or a not so short comment of my a ha! moment when I read that file.
It's pirated though... I have to resort to GS *sobs sobs*

8. Miktex + WinEdt (Pirated) or TexnicCenter
To work on LaTex files. TexnicCenter is decent, I have not used it long enough, but then WinEdt wasnt really good in particular either, so *shrugs*

9. Visio 2002 (pirated)
I just have to have it! I'm a pretty visual person, so I really like to draw some graphs illustrating my thoughts. And I just already get used to visio I get so irritated not finding it in a basic microsoft office setting.

10. Microsoft Excell
Somehow I just make use of it a lot. And no, the one from Open Office could not replace it.

11. VMWare
So I can have another OS running along with my Windows. J suggested this. I haven't tried it yet but I suppose when I really make use of it I can delete Putty and WinSCP from my topmost lists ;P

The rest of the list would be some not really necessary stuff"
11. CDisplay
To read comics xD

12. Xming
To be able to display some GUI from my remote terminal.

13. go to pixelgirlpresents
Ok this is not a program ;P but I love myself a nice looking wallpaper, and thats the ultimate source for it :D

Hmmm...what else...I guess I'll add my list when I remember them along the way. Whats your daily program necessity ?

Random light thought abt ayat2 cinta

*ini tadinya di draft kan karena setelah dilihat2 isinya rada jahat gitu, ngga gitu fair. bagus2nya ni buku ngga dibilang. tapi berhubung ternyata ada yg udah ngeh duluan ;P ya sudahlah di publish lagi dulu aja, dilengkapinnya kapan2 ;P*

ngga, gw ngga mo ngulas ni buku :p

cuma tadi kepikiran aja,

kan komen orang yg dtulis dsitu banyak tu yg bilang pngen dapet suami kaya fahri.
kok klo gw ga gitu suka ya karakternya si fahri ini?

mnurut gw karakternya rada tinggi hati, gitu. ngga begitu rendah hati lah *redundan banget bo*
(tentang status dia yg S2 al azhar, berguru di syaikh Utsman; ttg harusnya cewenya yg bilang suka ma dia *duh!*, etc)
kadang-kadang kaya ngga genuine, ngga tulus.
("saya cuma ingin dia merasa senang. tak lebih") -->or something like that.
dalam nyampein pendapat/dakwahnya kadang2 ngga halus
(karena gw orang jawa kali ya ;P)

kesimpulan gw pribadi aja sih dari yg tersirat.
I guess this is good, the character isnt perfect the way human is never perfect in real life ;)
tp, ya, intinya bukan tipe cowo gw lah ;P

somehow gw jg sebel ada beberapa salah kata serapan, editornya kok ga teliti.
(but im being anal in general abt this, so not really the editor's fault i guess)
yg gw inget kaya : "Mom, please take my seat" kata si Aisha di tram.
heh? emang doski nyokap elu?
gw rasa sih harusnya "Ma'am" kali ya maksudnya?
ato di mesir biasa manggil Mom ke sembarang ibu ibu yg ditemui di jalan mungkin ya?
trus ada istilah asing yg bikin gw "huh?" juga karena kayanya dia pikir spellingnya gitu padahal bukan (bukan sekedar typo maksudnya, tp ini gw lupa apa)
trus bahasa jermannya kok rada janggal ya?
diksinya ngga begitu umum gitu.

but maybe its just me being sirik, nyari2 kesalahan orang *shrugs* :p
overall its a good book to read anyway =]

disclaimer:
komen ini ditulis dengan asal, kutipan2nya ditulis seinget saya aja jadi mungkin beda ma yg asli :p

Procrastinating : lite on politics

Posting ini bukan tentang apa itu procrastinating; posting ini ada karena gw sedang berprocrastinating ;P
(itu serapan dan penggunaan imbuhan yang baik dan benar bukan, ya? xD)

Light thoughts abt politics:

1. Abis baca judul provokatip di detik "Kyai Berdoa Hancurkan Sigid"

Kirain Sigid tu apaan, jenis rudal yang ngancem bakal ngancurin Indonesia gitu, ato singkatan nama virus berbahaya (temennya SARS? Severe Immune Gigantic I.... --> dilanjutkan kalo dah ada ide), ato benda apa kek yang sebegitu bahayanya bakal merusak harkat hidup orang banyak ampe kyai2 pada berdoanya rame2.

Eh, taunya itu nama orang! Astaghfirullahhaladzim.

Ya, Allah, mana doanya serem bener, disama2in sama peristiwa di surat Al-Fiil @_@

Gw tau lah orang indonesia suka aneh, tapi kalo kaya gitu udah kebangetan banget banget banget, tau ga sih.

Dimana2 setau gw juga ga ada ceritanya Nabi Muhammad SAW nyontohin ngedoain jelek ke orang laen kaya gitu.

Its....sooo.......
erghhh...ewww...eww....ewww
im speechless.

Gw ga pngen sok teu apa2, gw jg gak pengen khotbah apa2, cuma gw bener bener amat sangat sangat terganggu denger orang make sarana doa untuk hal kaya gitu.

Dari dulu gw emang udah 'nek sih sama politik, jadi mungkin gw emang rada bias. Tapi plis deh, cuma gonjang ganjing satu partai politik disamain ama pasukan gajah nyerang Mekkah yang sampe masuk Al-Qur'an? *sigh*

May Allah SWT be with us all and bless our politicians, may all of us always be in the right and straight path.

Masih ada yg laen sih, kaya itu tu khas indonesia banget ngga sih ngambinghitamin satu orang. tapi itu masih minor lah...

2. Obama kayanya bakal menang dari Hillary ya ;D

Waa, seneng, deh. Soalnya sebelumnya kayanya ga mungkin gitu dari Democrats bakal keluar Obama yg notabene bukan kulit putih :D

tapi liat ntar deh...semoga aja ntar ngga kalah ya dari McCainnya Republicans. Denger2 kebijakan McCainnya ini serem2 T_T

Tapi denger dari temen2 yg US, pemilu mereka ini bener2 hot topic buat semua orang disana. Jadi semoga aja yg ngevote taun ini bakal bener2 aware dengan pilihan mereka.
Hope US will really change!

3. I wuv Angela Merkel xD

hihihi, sebenernya daku ngga gitu2 perhatian amat sih ma politik Deutschland. Tapi....angela merkel itu imut banget pas piala dunia 06! xD

Doski (oopss...ganti apa ni vel?;P) tu yang semangat banget loncat2, berbinar-binar dan tepuk2 tangan tiap lagi liat tim Deutschland maen!
hihihi, kaya anak kecil gitu, padahal kan dia tu presiden xD

Dan kemaren ini dia ngumumin bahwa dia ga bakal ngedatengin pembukaan olimpiade di Cina. Shes the first.
Respekt.

Gw ngga begitu baca2 banget sih ttg Cina vs Tibet, tapi dari yg gw tau, kok kayanya Cina kebangetan gitu. (Reinkarnasi hanya seizin pemerintah Cina, what the ...?)

So, yea, i wuv angela xD

Ngasal time :D

hihihi, ceritanya abis ( dan masih sedang sih sebenernya) baca blognya raditya dika.
Hihihi, ngocol abis xD
jadi pengen nulis ngasal pake bahasa indonesia, deh ;P

tulisannya tuh ngingetin banget ma stylenya hilman, tau ngga sih?
yg daku bacanya ampe bisa ngakak2 abis gitu.
*padahal daku bacanya past mitnait, tetangga2 pada stress kali ya dengernya :p*

kangennn, deh, baca sambil ngakak ngga jelas gini xD
jadi inget masa2 daku koleksi Olga, Lupus dan kawan2nya :D
*btw, hilman, -engkau idolaku...hilmannnn,,,- itu kemana ya sekarang?*

Daku ketinggalan banget yak, baru sekarang baca blog doski.
Padahal dia yg udah ampe nerbitin (almost) 4 buku gitu ^^;;>
Gini lah nasib ngga gaul ma kabar2 Indo *sigh*
Untung setidaknya gw masih apdet kalo tentang gosip dan seleb macem Chincha Lawrah xD

Daku udah ngincer sih sebenernya bukunya, pas terakhir pulang.
Ada bukunya di bagian best seller gitu deh, Kambing Jantan.
Tertarik sih.
Langsung diinget2, "ntar harus cek blognya, kambingjantan.com" (kalo ngga salah ni ya).

Tapi waktu itu ga beli bukunya karena udah telanjur kalap ambil macem2 buku laen.
Ampe keberatan. Ditumpuk2 dan nyaris akrobat daku bawa2nya pake dua tangan
(sampe akhirnya ada pak satpam yang jatuh iba dan mendekati, "mbak, pake kantong ini aja mbak, bawanya", ngasihin kantong belanja Gramedia. Aduhhh malunyaaa, ketinggalan zaman sekali daku xD).

Dan waktu itu karena kok sepertinya banyak sekali buku2 baru indonesia yang ga jelas judulnya, jadi mikirnya cuma, ah, paling just yet another new teen lit.
Hehehe, tapi setelah sukses ngakak beberapa jam gini jadi nyesel deh waktu itu ga beli ^^.

Tapi timingnya bagus banget deh nemu blog ini.
Karena tadi sebelum baca tuh daku yang lagi stresssssss abisssss.
Sumpek, suntuk, sutriss, su.....ya pokoknya lagi kesel abis gitu deh.
Lagi lagi masih tentang nasibku yang nelangsa ditinggal rubyku tersayang..hiks hiks hiks.

Jadi ceritanya bahkan setelah seminggu lebih itu transaksi Dell masih belom beres2 juga!

Pertama: Loh, kok offer free deliverynya ngga dimasukin?
Udah, total biayanya dikurangin biaya delivery.
Eh, kok modemnya jadi ilang dari list specs?
Dimasukin kembali lah itu modem.
waaa, jadi pengen printer yang lagi diskon!
Ditambahinlah sang printer.
tapi...
aduh, itu printernya salah tipe. bukan yang itu.
imel lagi imel lagi.
dan terakhir...
halah printernya salah diskon.
imel lagi.

*tunggu tunggu tunggu*
ahhhhhh!! udah ampir jam 5!! ini hari jumat!!
*telpon telpon telpon*
dering cuma sekali trus tulalit...
*keukeuh...telpon telpon..telpon*

tapi.... setelah jam menunjukkan jam 5 lewat dan tak kunjung ada imel maupun tanda2 telpon gw nyambung,
yakinlah gw si mbaknya udah pulang dengan bahagia memulai wikennya T_T
orderan laptopkuuuuuu...... *cryyyyyyy*

padahal gw udah wanti2 banget ke mbaknya ini harus beres hari ini. soalnya beres hari ini pun, ntar dapetnya baru april tgl 24. gw udah rasanya pngen langsung asal ngasih nomer credit cardnya aja biar cepet. ehhhh, ditinggal weekend...hiks hiks.

like...omgah!!! @#$%^&*!!!!!
*eh itu bukan enkripsi pisuhan,ya. itu karena gw dah ga tau mo ngomong apa lagi*

jadilah daku yang udah ditinggal ruby hampir 2 minggu ini ceritanya pengen ngamuk T_T

nangis2 bombay: check.
meraung raung kaya anak kecil minta mainan baru: check.
mukul2in guling+ bantal: check.

ih, kok kaya kurang seru ya *pouts*,

mentang2 seapartemen sendiri jadi lah daku keluar cari yg laen2 buat sasaran kesebelan.
sendal rumah: yahhh, dilempar malah membal gitu.
sekardus kecil kue: cuma...buk! selesai. tsk, ga seru.
*barusan tapi si kardus kue yang malang ini gw pungut lagi, kok. dan gw abisin... isinya dong bukan kardusnya. yummm :9*
piring:....wahh, males bersihinnya ntar.
kursi: ...hehe, kayanya kuat tuh kursi2 apartemen gw.
klang! klang! jatuhlah dua kursi gw.

Ehh, pintu kamar digedor. Si pacar :D
Doski marah2, gw banting2 kursi kedengeran ampe atas katanya. Dikata tu kursi punya gw apa?!?!

hehehe, gw lagi stress, malah dimarah2in :P
sebenernya gw ga gitu ngerti juga jadinya dia tadi ngomong apa aja, namanya juga lagi stress ^^;;>

tapi intinya jadi tadi tuh semaleman gw sedang sedih dan stres2nya lah.

naa, trus nemu blog yg bikin ngakak itu :D
ketawa itu menyenangkan ya ;P
dan ternyata ngasal pake bahasa indonesia itu jauh lebih enak dan ekspresip xD
ntar bakal lebih digalakkan deh nulis pake bahasa indonesia. terutama kalo lagi stress hihihi.

ya sudah lah...laptop masih belom punya, kamar masih berantakan, tapi gw nya udah nyengir, not a bad start eh?

hope its gonna be a great weekend for all of us =]

Memento

I made a silly dancing video recently, me dancing that famous hare hare yukai dance :D

Its just for fun actually.

I never really get into youtube ppl, making videos of themselves doing something and put it in the internet for ppl to see.

But upon watching the result (its fun and funny, really, everyone should try to dance it xD) i found its kinda something I would love to keep.

And probably to show to my loved ones later in the future.
("This is granny dancing hare hare yukai back then when I had nothing better to do in Italy" xD)

Sweet memories always bring up smiles, right?
And... its something to immortalize what we have now.
The hairstyle, the agility of youth (lolz), the clothes, even the background sceneries.

I guess in that notion, pictures deliver the same memories.

Hmm... now come to think of it, probably thats why so many ppl made their own nude pictures?
To immortalize that flaunted body?
Since nothing lasts forever...

Luxury Expenses

I think its time for me to return this blog to its original purpose, for daily light thoughts.
This one isnt really light though since its been occupying my head these last few days @_@

How do you manage your expenses?

Im not much of a shop-a-holic. I only buy stuffs when I really need them, when the old one is already broken/finished, when I cant find any other thing to substitute it.

Thats why sophie kinsella's stories never really seemed to echo on me. Buying shoes as an investment? my dearest ridla girls agreed on it, and they really do have pretty shoes suitable for every kind of occasion. I..only have a pair of sneakers aged 2 years, a pair of snow proof shoes (because the afromentioned sneakers just couldnt hold up to the snows and start to look saddening recently T_T), a pair of girly shoes (for every formal occasion possible), and a pair of hiking sandals.

Thats also because Im very picky. Buying things have always been an exhausting experience, consuming at least 2 days or more, and will only ends if I definitely sure i really really really want to buy that thing (sometimes involving me dreaming of that stuff already @_@). Therefore by nature I try to avoid buying things as much as I could.

But bad thing happens. ( an euphemism of s*** happens xD)

My laptop is dead.
Now, from browsing around, I want an xps m1330.
my other options :
- IBM T61 : scratched because I'd be forever itched to correct that asymmetrical monitor. for godsake! didnt they know everything must be balanced on earth?!?! xD
- m1530 : I dont want to add more weight to my daily 7 kgs backpack =(
- macbook pro : its much more expensive =( *the same goes to sony stuffs*
- a desktop : I might be traveling around, and its not really something compact i can bring with me or stuff somewhere to be left temporarily.

but then...my supervisor said in 2 or 3 months there might be some money for the univ to buy a laptop for me.

the thing is :
1. losing my laptop is driving me crazy these past few days, srsly
2. I always feel uneasy abt borrowed stuff

now, xps m1330 isnt really that cheap...
its on promotion now so i can get some discounts, but still...expensive.
dont even start to calculate the fact that im buying it in euro now, and that euro's value is skyrocketing now compared to rupiah.

I do have some money for it.
But, am I spending on some tertiary/luxury stuff if I buy this?

Its something I remember from my elementary school lesson. 3 types of spending :
primary, secondary, tertiary/luxury. A good person should not waste much on tertiary stuff and should save his/her money instead for rainy days :D

What I feel now is that a laptop is a primary need for me. Its something that I need everyday, its something I need to do all my works, its something I need with me in keeping all my routines that I have been and will have to keep on doing. I know I'd be using it to the fullest, and I know I would love to have it to last as long as possible.

But then, looking at the price, looking at the other possibilities that I can actually make do with,..is this a luxury item?
Does having an enough amount of money, so that u r not actually spending beyond ur limit, makes u eligible to spend on an expensive stuff?

I've been stressing myself out lately with this thought @_@
Im soooo desperate for a new laptop but then this thought always made me hesitant to make my transaction T_T

Another thing.
I've been craving for a dancepad since forever.
I desperately searched one in Indonesia but they dont have any with USB connection.
Ive finally found a retailer for europe, and after harassing them I finally found that they have a 1 year warranty for the dance pads and that they will replace defective products if I happen to receive one. Im just one step away from finalizing my order when again that same thought came.

Its a good one, and its european, so its not cheap.
But I know I would dance so often on it, if not every morning as my sport ^^.
I have even dreamed about playing on one, thats how I crave for this dancepad >_<
But does that makes a strong excuse for my spending?

I would blame this kind of confusion to the fact that im living in europe with a background knowledge of indonesian life.

had I been living in indonesia maybe none of those are even considered as my option.

had i always been living in europe maybe all of those are just some normal stuff, normal expenses.

...these things give me headaches @_@

I knew I never liked to have anything to do with money *sigh*

my wand :D

Your Score: 12", Holly, Dragon

You scored 36 wisdom, 44 bravery, 15 emotional, and 16 martyrdom!

Holly is a powerful protective wood that good for use against evil, but it also represents dreams and fertility. Your dragon's heartstring core makes your wand very effective in hexes.

How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 33% on wisdom
You scored higher than 77% on bravery
You scored higher than 24% on emotional
You scored higher than 25% on martyrdom

Link: The Harry Potter Wand Test written by sputnik845 on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test View My Profile(sputnik845)

oh my, 12 inch is kinda...long dont u think?
im so gonna break it just in a few days @_@

(another silly quiz i know =.=;; I think i have to change the title of this blog due to my recent posts =/)

God of chaos, mwahahaha

Set Perfectionist, prone to anger or irrationality. Aspects of Duality. Colors: male: turquoise, female: black Compatible Signs: Geb, The Nile Dates: May 28 - Jun 18, Sep 28 - Oct 2 Role: God of chaos, evil, the desert, war, violence, conflict, and sandstorms Appearance: Form of a man, with the head of an unidentified donkey-like animal. He was sometimes seen as a pig or a hippo. Sacred animal: the mythical "Set animal" What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign? Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries

hmm...i guess that explains my-always-chaotic-and-messy-room? xD

Tarot

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

hehe, i knew i never meant to be a hiker :D

	Your travel type: Travel Yup The Travel Yup likes exotic and adventurous travel, but prefers big cities with fast paced life. He has a keen interest in other cultures and always brings home a few souvenirs. Shopping in Bangkok, getting a tailor made suite in Kuala Lumpur, that's the kind of thing the Travel Yup is into. Even though he likes to get away, he prefers his travels to be comfortable.
	top destinations: Amsterdam Tahiti Beirut	stay away from: Darien Gap Tokyo Cairo

get your own travel profile

time to say goodbye?

so...yea...my dearest ruby...just decided to go stuttering over and over the booting process since yesterday. she had been so nice to gave me quite some time to burn my important work data though before then repeating that stuttering process again.

Apparently something is wrong with the motherboard, theres something that went loose inside. It can be started just like usual, and it might let me do some works, but in an indefinite time that loosing part will take action, and my laptop will suddenly went off then reboot itself.

J and I were trying to pry it open yesterday, but we stopped just after we reached the memory part. I chickened out looking at all those green ic boards everywhere. the hard disk is ok, we tested in on j's laptop. so...should be something deeper...

I so wish theres someone expert at this laptop thing, who can just open it and glance it for awhile then fix whatever is loose there. cause im sure it shouldnt be something serious, (or should it?). J kept on saying its reaching the age, its just how these electronics go.

but anyway, i couldnt do any work yesterday...and gawd, how this profession had made me sooo attached to laptop. i cant live without one! T_T
that, plus my advisors are sooo eager with my work more than I do @_@
I finally used J's old powerbook yesterday nite just to find out there r already 7 mails of them discussing my work *orz*

I started looking out for one yesterday...dell xps m1330. what dya think?
*to be continued*

Is my ruby dying? >_<

Nooo T_T
it happened 3 times already today, my dearest laptop, ruby, went dark when I tried to move it from places to places >_<
It went neither to hibernate nor to back alive, just suddenly the monitor went off, the power and the touchpad were still on, but it did nothing, no input can be detected >_<
my bf said its reaching its age already, passed 3 years limit last december.
but but but, i wuv my rubyyyyyy *cries in the corner*

but i want to be in griffyndor *pouts*

Which Hogwarts house will you be sorted into?

Your in-depth results are:

Hufflepuff - 17
Ravenclaw - 13
Gryffindor - 11
Slytherin - 6

*still pouting*

Shuffle

So, I've been wondering what in the world are these malaysian friends of mine talking about shuffle?

Googling it I found nothing other than card shuffling which I think is so remotely related to what they were talking about.

Until with a help of a friend finally I found what exactly it is today.

So it's a dance style which is popular in Malaysia and Australia.
My conclusion is that it's some kinda dancing style with stomping feet movements accompanied by musics with loud and fast bass beats *is that even understandable?* xD

The dance isnt really that impressive for me, just my opinion of course ^^;;>
Because for me a dance should be something pretty where ur body dance to the music and u enjoy and feel the music.

To me shuffle looks more like some trance dance; where u got lost in the music, where u r not really conscious abt ur dance.

Maybe because its just more emphasizing in the feet movement so it seems the hands and the upper part body dont seem to enjoy the dance? maybe because I havent get used to the kind of music to know that is how u properly enjoy such music? maybe because I havnt tried it myself? maybe I should so I can give a more appropriate comments on this phenomenon;D

well anyway here are some links:
wiki
basic shuffle dance tutorial
dance example

more randomness

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Ice Skating

So, for the first time evah in my life I tried this sport today.

And now I've got 2 blisters on my feet, my whole body hurts so much, i couldnt sleep, and I guess Im too tired that I had nightmares when I accidentally fell asleep: I screamed things aloud T_T
so here i am blogging in the middle of the nite instead of sleeping @_@

It was nice actually ;D

I got a nice friend who kindly taught me the basics from scratch lol. Thankiiiess so very much for u!
I fell like the whole time though >_<
but he said I always fell very nicely!
so I guess Im proud that im such a pro in falling while skating =D

anyway some notes to self about skating:

- wear water resistant gloves
I fell down too much I guess that not before long my gloves r already wet cause I kept on falling and falling and holding on the ice to steady myself up.

- wear water resistant pants
Again, since I fell down most of the time, I went home with my jeans wet starting from under my knees downward and on my bums area. It wasn't nice wearing them back home on such a cold windy day @_@

- wear thick sport socks
I used the rented ice skating shoes sized 40D. Either that size is too narrow for my feet or it was just because I wear thin socks, I got blisters now on my inner side of feet. One for each foot in a perfectly same position.

I praise the developed technology of hansaplast here though that I could get something nice for my blisters instead of leaving them just like that.

It's called Cerotti per Vesiche. Transparent coloured, with gel to compress the irritated area and with the nice shape and comfortable substance which adhere nicely to the form of my feet. It protects the blister from getting more ouchy frictions, it soothes the pain (just a bit T_T), and its water proof too. It said it should helps a rapid recovery, lets hope so :D

- read some ice skating basics tutorial etc later
I didnt really know what I was doing, knowing I could slide to move here and there in between my falls made me happy already :D
But I still havnt got that smooth perfect rhythm to slides nicely, I still slided awkwardly, stumbled now and then, and my friend said I still did some unnecessary-complicating-additional moves every time I slide.
No matter how he explained to me the right way to slide, its always such a mess for me to change from 1 foot to another, the direction, the weight focus @_@
I should learn more abt that somehow.

All in all it was really a nice experience to be able to slide on ice! ;D

Im just hoping so much I could sleep anytime soon now and that this pain all over my body will go away soon T_T

Random scribble

Acute laziness for the lose! >_<
No motivation at all T_T
remind me again, how did I end up here and what exactly am I doing here so far away from home? >_<
why I always seem to be behind the schedules? @_@


My fav songs lately :
imeem playlist
I need the loud upbeat songs to deafen the voices in my head: *I havnt done this, oh and that too, and that one, and...* x_x

my ultra bored siggy ;P


Death note font acquired from here

It's hot, dude!
The sun shines so bright and fierce today it almost looks like summer already.
The temperature is between 4 - 7 degrees celc. And Im happily wearing just my light jacket to campus, which turned out unnecessary after adding the fact that I ran to catch the bus ;P Sweating on winter season...so rare :D

One disaster at a time
thats a quote that somehow I remember from the movie "Frida Kahlo".
I guess its what I should apply to get rid of my piling deadlines....one disaster at a time...
gambatteh me! +U +U! Add oil! lol xD

Letting go...

I've posted such a sad sad entry before...
I guess I owe myself to write an enlightenment for my own closure.

So, I've prayed.
The special prayer for the deceased, shalat ghaib.

I have learnt this prayer since I was in my junior high school.
Yet, still, I need to consult books to refresh my memory again every time I need to do it.
I guess, I should be grateful for that, because it means I seldom have such need to do the prayer...

I couldn't sleep that day.
I tried to distract myself with anything I can think of, but again and again I would be back to square one, remembering Mbah Kakung and feeling... the disbelief.

But then I finally decided that I had to do it...
I need to be at peace...
So I open my books searching for the guide for shalat ghaib.

And... I cant believe how could I forget such a beautiful prayer.

Such an elaborate and complete prayer.
I can't possibly wishing anything better for my grandpa other than those wishes in the prayer.

So, I prayed.
And when I finished
I knew I made such a nonsense with all the crying and denial.

Mbah kakung is surely in a much better place now.
Just like how I wished through the prayer.

all my memories with him are filled with joy, laughter, happiness, love, and everything that warms my heart and thats how Mbah Kakung will always remain in my heart and in my prayer.
yusi sayang Mbah Kakung, peluk cium buat Mbah Kakung

Death

It has always been a vague concept to me...
Somehow it always take my beloved ones when I'm far away...
So that 'til now, I still dont know how to handle it...

Being in a distance when it happens
gives u the feeling that it isnt real.
Because they are still so healthy and all smiling in my head, from the latest memories that I had with them.

Receiving the news...I feel so unconnected.
As if it must be just like some stories in the news, which arent related to me.
It can't possibly related to me.
They are fine, just like when the last time we met!

I guess that means im in denial?

I feel so blank...

My mom told me to just pray..
it will do the same good, i don't need to go back home...

I guess indeed thats what I need to do

It's just that...I know
the worst thing of this, is that I can not completely accept that they are gone...
I can not completely let them go...

I know the next time I go back home, I will still expect to meet them.
That the fact that they won't be around when I'm home is just because they are in another city, or doing something...

Cause that's what I felt about Pakde.
Cause I still dreamed about spending good times with him, and woke up with smiles and thoughts that I should do that with him later when I go back to Indonesia.
Just to then burst into tears when I remembered he had passed away...like what my family told me when I was in Germany...

Ya, Allah, aku sayang banget sama pakde...

aku sayang banget sama mbah kakung...
sayang sayang banget...
mbah kakung,...
ya, Allah,...

update update

wow, been a long time since last I updated this blog :D
new things on my life:

1. I've graduated, yayayyyyy!! h
And turns out someone had written abt it lol, tsk tsk tsk, now I know why Habsq found out abt me wearing "kebaya" while presenting my thesis ;P
Thankiiess though chietz for writing abt it!
and all my gratitude and thanks for everyone who was always there for me through that months of painful thesis writing. I love you all so much! And you know who u r ;)

2. I've started my PhD program

That involves :

- taking PhD classes which r held just in a short span of time like 2 weeks but with intensive meetings everyday for 3 hours *fainted*.
not to mention that since only few ppl attend these classes, a late arrival or an absent or an accidental sleep during the course is very noticeable ^^;;>
and the worst for this 2 weeks is that this class starts at 8.30 am. Mind you, with subuh at 6 am, Trento is still very very dark and colddddddddddd at that hour T_T

- Getting an allocated desk&workstation at campus

woohooo :D
excuse my newbieness ^^;;>
but since I have never really did a proper serious work in a formal institution, obtaining a workspace really felt something :D
as if....ummm.... I dunno... like, wow, I'm working now! *duh!*xD

- New form of relationship with my professors

Since now the position is that I am a doctorate student who is working with them, my prof. insisted for me to call them by first names. Without any "Professor" adressing.
This is sooooooooooooooo hard for me >_< so far I havnt succeeded in doing so >.>

- more self motivation needed >_<

Umm, yea, so I have to do some courses as well as keep on doing the research for my PhD.
The thing is, now it isnt just that the class is smaller; I dont know anyone, everyone will just attend the class and speaks nothing, then go back to their own places.
I'm still used with my master degree experience, where I will have a group of students with the same set of courses, who will be with me through all those classes. So, now, I have soooo less motivation to go to my classes >_<
And the research, now basically aside the courses, I just need to go to campus when I have an appointment with my prof to report my research progress. Other than that...I can even spend the whole day lazying around at home ;P and...its so ohhh tempting >_<

3. I play XDO now ;P

The great news is habs and linds r playing there too!! yayayayyy!
And....gasp....finally after all this year beggings *exaggerating mode*
my bf plays it too! :') aww, I so love him <333

Uhmmm....I think that's all so far :D
More updates in the next post if I remember one ;P
*disclaimer: this post was written without any double recheck for spellings and grammar, so pardon moi ;P*

Im so dependent >_<

Got this link from a friend:
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
My result (I forgot to copy the HTML code, o well):

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

The dependent one, sadly, i have to admit, seems might be true T_T

Dependent:
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. Dependents often remain in abusive relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval is common. Dependents often feel helpless and depressed.

Symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder:
* Difficulty making decisions
* Feelings of helplessness when alone
* Suicidal thoughts upon rejection
* Submissiveness
* Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval
* Unable to meet ordinary demands of life

Wahhhh >_<
well at least I disagree on the last point >.>

I refuse to admit abt the histrionic though, that's such a drama queen disorder xD

Histrionic:
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder:
* Needs to be the center of attention
* Dresses or acts provocatively
* Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions
* Exaggerates friendships
* Overly-dramatic, occassionally theatrical speech
* easily influenced; highly suggestible

I only admit having the last symptom >.>
im not like that, right?right? >_<

i miss home

i was just listening to the song from anggun, kembali, when i suddenly started crying and sobbing uncontrollably...
i wasnt really thinking..
i was in the midle of working for my thesis
next thing i know i feel choked by my own tears
and i didnt even cry on Idul Fitri...
i thought im just okbe
that im strong enough to stay more years here before coming home

I guess the sadness finally just catched up with me..
i miss home

me today >.<

Woohoo, I'm a 53% geek ;D

53% Geek
53%

JustSayHi - Free Personals

I'm happy mainly because 53 is a great number for me xD

You Are 52% Feminine, 48% Masculine

You are in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides. You're sensitive at the right times, but you don't let your emotions overwhelm you. You're not a eunuch, just the best of both genders.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

Hahahaha, darn! Habsqi is more feminine than me! xD

A meaningful life

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07262/818671-85.stm

very strong and positive.... i wish i could be like that...

another earthquake >.<

I feel like cryiiiinggg >.<
and its the first of ramadhan....

awwwwww, poor kitteeeehhh >.<

I cant help crai-ing too >.< poor kittehhhhh, lemme buy u some chizzburger here

It's my life

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	8.8
Mind:	7.6
Body:	8.4
Spirit:	8.3
Friends/Family:	6.5
Love:	8.5
Finance:	7.3
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Yayyy! <3 And they said :
"Your Life score is very high, much higher than the average. "
Well, I dunno whether thats just a standard comment given to everyone or not. Yet, I know, I'm happy to hear that and I am indeed happy with my life ;D Praise be to God, Alhamdulillah =]
The link was gotten from habsqiban ;)

New found light

I've loved santana's album supernatural since long long time ago. It's an album I dearly played over and over again. And I thoroughly enjoyed every song in the album. But, just recently I fell in love again to one of the song there. Put your lights on. By Santana featuring Everlast.

The song is still the same song that I've loved before, but I just found out about the lyrics. Have a look at them :

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on,
put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on,
put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on,
put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on you better
leave your lights on

Because there's a monster living
under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel with a hand on
my head
She says I've got
nothing to fear

There's a darkness deep
in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine,
into my home
God don't let me lose my
nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now,
hey now, hey now
Wo-oh hey now, hey now,
hey now, hey now

Hey now all you sinners
Put your lights on,
put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on you
better leave your lights on

Because there's a monster
living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel with a
hand on my head
She says I've got
nothing to fear
She says,
Laa ilaa haa IlAllah, you shine like stars
Laa ilaa haa Ilallah, you shine like stars
And fade away

(Taken from Song meaning completed with a comment from Ipul in the same page)

I just found out that Everlast is a moslem. From that comment of Ipul that he is a moslem and that's why the lyrics contain the syahadah. I didn't believe it at the first time. And this ipul name really sounds like an Indonesian :D My bf even went on to say its a fake.

So, I listened to the song. And, yes, indeed, you can hear the syahadah there in the last parts of the song. Now, that really brings new meaning to the song for me.

I'm surprised in how could I have missed it, considering I remember there were the complete lyrics of the songs supplied in the Supernatural album cassette cover. And I sang all of them nonstop from time to time. Was the lyrics of this particular song unwritten there? I can't wait to go back to Indonesia to check my cassette album cover for the lyrics.

But, anyway, now after this finding I re-found that this song lyrics have a very deep meaning. It really carries the spirit of light in Islam religion. I'm touched. Thumbs up for Everlast.

A bit abt Everlast, turns out he was in the House of Pain earlier. Yayy, I knew that Jump Around is really a great song! ;D And he is indeed a practicing moslem it seems, check out his myspace

Respekt!!

He definitely just got a new fan now <3